The Kanohi Force comedy is a series of comedy editions authored by various Leedurz and Memburz of the Kanohi Force, chronicling the various adventures (and misadventures) of the group.
The BZPower topic can be found here.
Destiny unfolds itself in a rather cumbersome and lame way, as is the case with the leaders of the Kanohi Force. It all started when a talented fellow by the name of The 1st Shadow discovered the Kanohi Flashbaki as the only hope to avoid eating dinner that fateful night, and he placed the mask on.
All the guests at his establishment fell under the power of the mask, and all of them, even ~T1S~, gained the everlasting fusion of masks between gen 1 Mata and gen 2 Mata/Nuva. Ghidora131, who we shall just call Ghidora, automatically jumped up and declared self-proclaimed leadership of the "Kanohi force", or as he liked to call it, LEEDURSHIP.
And this band of fateful adventures, yeah let's call them that, decided to take up an adventure of epic proportions..
Let's see how far they get.
Introduction (The 1st Shadow)
The 1st Shadow sat down heavily at the end of the table.
Ghidora sat directly opposite him in the conference room, while the other members of the Kanohi Force filed in. Shadow was the eldest of the group, and the original founder of the Kanohi Force, though he had allowed Ghidora to take the seat of chairman.
It was he that had discovered the Kanohi Flashbaki. A few months ago, while exploring an island near the edge of the great archipelago known as BZ-Nui, he had stumbled across a strange shrine that had bestowed upon him the Pokama, the Mask of Power that bestowed upon him the powers of Speed and Stone. Not long after his discovery, he encountered the young, white-armored Matoran of Awesomeness known as Ghidora131. The youngster was entranced by the remarkable mask that the green-and-black Av-Matoran wore. Deciding that he could trust the kid, Shadow had taken him to the shrine, and it gifted him with the Kokaku, a mask that gave him X-ray and telescopic vision in addition to power over ice. The mask triggered a transformation in the Matoran, turning him into a Toa. Before long, the Toa of Awesomeness recruited some others and sent them to The 1st Shadow for their own Kanohi Flashbaki. He reluctantly agreed, under the condition that he remain in a position to watch over them in case they misused their new powers. So far, they were doing quite well.
The 1st Shadow himself served as the vice-president and formal adviser for the group. Arzaki was treasurer, and Jakura Nuva took the position of secretary. Dallior was the official record-keeper. Pohatu: Master of Stone and Gukko Lord took no official positions, but served as representatives for the group.
"I heerby call this LEEDURSHIP Meeting to order!" Ghidora practically shouted, breaking Shadow out of his thoughts.
The others had already seated themselves at the table. Shadow glanced away from them, and out the window to the streets of BZ-Metru below them. Though not one of the staff, Shadow was respected enough in the community to have been given a whole floor of one of the main office buildings for use by the Kanohi force.
He turned back to Ghidora and the others. "Alright, kids. What's on the table today?"
Arzaki, a Toa of Fire wearing the Kanohi Leru, mask of Levitation and Jungle, pulled out a bowl of fruit from his pocket and slammed it down on the table. "THAT'S what's on the table!" He grinned at the senior member of the team.
Shadow just raised an eyebrow.
Ghidora cleared his throat. "Aneeway, I suggest we get on with this."
"Good," Shadow muttered.
Ghidora pulled out a file of assorted drawings and half-finished poems about apples and laid it out in front of him. "Okay, so we need to do something big to get ourselves known."
Shadow sat upright. "Like what? I already discovered the Flashbaki Shrine. I got a commendation from the staff and the curator of the Museum. Mask collector had a heyday when he found out about these new Kanohi."
Ghidora just waved him off. "Yes, yes. I know. But as a group, we've done nothing!"
"He's right," Jakura said, finally speaking up. "We haven't really done anything, and I'm getting bored."
"Exactly. So, we need some ideas."
Dallior raised his hand. "I have an idea."
Ghidora gestured to him. "Let's hear it."
Dallior stood and addressed them all. "I say we ask for the reader's input."
"The who?" Pohatu and Arzaki asked simultaneously.
Dallior smiled. He pointed out of your screen at you, sitting there, reading this. "That reader. I'm sure they have some ideas."
Shadow rolled his eyes. "Fair enough." Turning to face you, he asked, "Got any ideas? We'd love to hear your thoughts on our first big project. Leave us a comment, and we'll be back after this short break."
Chapter 1 (Ghidora131)
Jakura yanked his head off the table. He had been snoozing away for the past 9 hours. "Huh, what?" Drool pooled from his jaw onto the table. "Oh, uh, hey, guys. I was just, uh... well, yeah." He wiped his mouth and picked his shades up from the table, slipping them into the pocket of his leather jacket.
"So, what's up?"
Arzaki fell from the ceiling, singing, "...living in the moonlight, loving in the sunlight, having a wonderful time..."
He landed on the table and cracked it. "So," he said, after he picked up his face from the table. "What do you wanna do today?"
Ghidora slammed the table angrily. "BE QUIET WHILE WE'RE IN DEH MEETING!!!" He went back to making a card victorian mansion.
The door slammed open, crushing a nearby Hau-shaped night-light (don't ask) as Gukko Lord burst in.
"Wow, so much for the power of shielding!" He pulled up a chair, realized it was made of candy, ate it, then procured another one from Ghidora's pocket. This one was made of worms. He sat on it, satisfied. (Get it? Satisfied?) Only after the others flashed him dirty looks did Gukky realize he was thinking aloud. He simply tossed them some towels to make their looks clean. "So, what're we up to?"
"finding ways to glare at you." said Ghidora. "Now new business: I need a zipper for my pocket. SOMEONE keeps taking chairs out of it."
Gukko Lord tried, and failed, to suppress a grin. "Why don't you just pull a zipper out of your pocket?"
Dallior simply sighed. He looked at you, the reader sadly while quickly writing down everything happening at the meeting.
"I've got a friend with a pocket dimension full of stuff!" Pohatu said. A Rahkshi-like creature walked in and pulled extra chairs, food and everything they could possibly need out of thin air, then flew out the window.
Ghidora angrily threw a window at the window and sealed it. "No more interruptions Pohatu! now, any other new business?" everyone began to state something about their favorite ice cream flavor, while Ghidora and The 1st Shadow facepalmed.
Gukko Lord was distracted from his ice cream-themed musings just long enough to pull the palms away from Ghidora and ~T1S~. He uprooted them and placed them outside the building, then came back. "So, back to the topic at hand. Pineapple ice cream is the best!"
Jakura blinked once, then twice. He sighed.
"So... what do you guys think about Michael Bay's Transformers?"
Pohatu frowned and barfed out a rock at the mention of Michael Bay's Transformers.
Ghidora looked at ~T1S~ annoyed. He then pulled out his Vezon-mouth megaphone and screamed "ARE YOU DOLTS EVER GOING TO LISTEN?!"
Everything stopped suddenly. Ghidora sat back down in his chair. "Good. Now, we have been questioned by the city commissioner as to why cars, refrigerators and sofas have been crashing down on the sidewalk and harming the orphans that constantly crowd around there." He pulled our a sheet of paper with some notes on it he had scribbled down earlier. He then pulled out an accordion from his pocket and gave the paper and it to Arzaki. "Play this next to the window, it will drive the orphans away." He straightened up. "Now, fourth order of business - ~T1S~ and I are famished." The 1st shadow was about to say something when he continued. "So, I'm going to treat you guys to a little meal. Whaddya want?"
Arzaki instantly said, "I'll take two 6-pieces of spicy chicken nuggets, a medium fry, and a medium Sierra Mist from Wendy's*."
Ghidora whirled to Arzaki. "NO WENDY'S*!!!" He said to Gukko lord "pineapple pizza okay for you voraciousness?" He turned to Pohatu. "What the heck is that rock doing here?" he turned to Jakura "Um..."
At this point, Ghidora was sitting on the center of the table turning to all the members. He quickly sat back in his chair.
Gukko Lord nearly vomited with excitement. "Anything pineapple. I needz it!" Arzaki inquired, "why no Wendy's*?" Ghidora glared at Arzaki. He then showed him a poster of five nights at Wendy's*: the new theme park. "They're all closed down for the remodeling."
"Well," Arzaki said, "how about Arby's*?"
Ghidora facepalmed, then put the tree away before anyone could plant it. "I'll just cook it myself."
Jakura suddenly responded. "Ghiddy, what do you know about cooking whatsoever?"
Ghidora pulled out a flamethrower and a barbecue. "Don't call me Ghiddy."
Arzaki made a ball of fire with his hands. "I can cook."
"Good. Arzaki and I will cook. Votes us 2 against 5 we win okay."
Dallior had a wondrous idea. He picked up some SPAM and threw it at the chefs. "be sure to make sure vakama eats some too!"
Ghidora's theory on the artificial food slingshot effect worked perfectly, and the uncooked spam flew back and pelted Dallior in the face. "now stahp it! Ar-arz and I will be getting the food ready and by the looks of it..." he saw Arzaki make a magmatic fireball in his hand.
"it'll be only three minutes."
Gukko Lord grinned. "I see what you did there."
In only a matter of seconds, they were ready and "cooking", Ghidora using electrical mad scientist equipment and a fork, while Arzaki was trying to cook the pizza without burning it. Ghidora worked on ~T1S~'s meal first, mixing up a nice sub sandwich and sliding it to him. ~T1S~ didn' nom it immediately, he waited to see what the meals for the rest were. He probably shouldn't have.
Arzaki and Ghidora had the pizza on the Frankenstein monster table and were sending a few hundred million volts into it. Fortunately, Ghidora had placed ground wires for the electricity to head into the ground outside, but neglected about the electro-sensitive plumbing in the building. After a few seconds, frankenpizza jumped off the table and ran forward in a mad dash. He careened on the windowsill and flew out to the pavement far below.
Ghidora peeked out of the ninth story window and said "Um... Let's try that differently."
~T1S~ Stood up. Such was that occasion as everyone else sat down immediately. "Well, you" he pointed to you, reader "gave us some suggestions. Should we remodel the basement. Is there a motion to go forward with this proposal?"
Suddenly everyone else broke out in random crazy dance moves. "NOT THAT KIND OF MOTION!!!" said Shadow, trying to be realistic(it failed).
Ghidora said "Yeah, I was thinking about making a game room or a swimming pool down there or something. But wait - Do we even have a basement?"
"I don't really know..." said ~T1S~ "...And I bought this building! If we have a basement, it's news to me!" Arzaki immediately pulled a keg of black powder from under the table and said
"We're one step ahead of you!"
After the tackling of Arzaki occurred and they had wrangled the keg away from him, Ghidora pulled out a phone book from his pocket. "I'll call up a construction crew. They'll find out whether or not we have a basement!" and he began pointlessly searching for a number. Arzaki and Dallior decided to find out for themselves.
Three minutes later, ~T1S~ finished eating the sandwich Ghiddy have gave him. "Wow Ghidora, that was impressive. How did you make tha- AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!"
T|he sound of animals dying mixed in with the tearing of the fabric of whatever this group called reality came from downstairs suddenly. The group clutched their ears and ran screaming to Gukko lord's sound room. Inside it was much more quiet.
"What do we do?!" Shouted Jakura as Pohatu curled up into a ball and whimpered, all the while Gukky bragging about his sound room.
~T1S~ whispered something to Ghidora, and he began pulling hazmat suits and foam swords out of his pocket.
"I meant a REAL weapon." complained Shadow.
They came to the basement they never knew they had. Closer, closer, right into the midst of the horror...
Arzaki and Dallior were singing let it go.
Gukko lord jumped them suddenly, beating Arzaki over the head with the foam sword. "monster! monster! DIE VERMIN! AAAAUUUGHHHH!!!" It took the whole group to pull him off.
Ghidora coughed angrily. "That's not even close to singing whatsoever. This is singing." And Ghidora took off his Hazmat mask and started to sing.
When he finished the whole group's jaws were on the floor. Jakura stuttered and sputtered for a minute as they picked their jaws up. "What the Karz?! I didn't know you could sing so well!!!" he stated in disbelief. Just then, a massive purple dinosaur broke through the door and fell down the stairs. At the bottom the head popped off revealing...
Seven protector of earth sets.
"YAYZ!!!" they all screamed and dove into the sets.
Ghidora later used his pocket to spawn an arcade machine and an Xbox 360, along with a 93" screen HDTV, and they never saw frankenpizza ever again.
...Or did they?
Chapter 3 (Dallior)
One day, Pohatu was enjoying some nice music while drinking pineapple tea and reading a gardening book. The scent of pineapple wafted through the air and caught the attention of a certain pineapple fanatic. Gukko Lord rushed to Pohatu’s side.
“Pineapples! Can I have some? Much want, very delisious.”
Pohatu looked smugly at Gukko Lord.
“Not right now Gukky. I’m busy with my tea and book about topiary, so please leaf me alone.”
Gukko Lord whimpered and did puppy dog eyes by turning his face into that of a puppy.
“Fine, you can have some of my pineapple tea. But be careful- its hot, and it might become pain-apple tea if you drink it too fast. Hey! I got a totally unrelated idea that makes no sense right now!”
Pohatu gave the tea to Gukko Lord who laughed maniacally.
“C’mon Gukky, I’ve got a plan and you are coming with me.”
Pohatu then picked up Gukko Lord and Kakama’d all the way to the eleventeenth floor of the KF building. He turned on the announcement system and, in the voice of the administrator from TF2, said:
“Mission begins in sixty seconds. All leaders of the Kanohi Force are to report to the business room on the eleventeenth floor." Soon afterward, another message played. "Mission begins in thirty seconds…”
Thirty seconds later, the Kanohi Force had gathered around the table they had talked around in the previous chapter. Pohatu stood up and made a tie out of stone, then straightened it.
“After the scary events of the last chapter, in which we tried to remodel the basement and never got around to it, we had some mishaps that resulted in me curling up in a ball shivering. Let’s forget about what happened down there, as I have no intention to go down there for a while. I say we go with my new pla-“
Ghidora131 cut in. “Which is?”
“Glad you asked, Ghiddy. Alright gentlemen we need a new idea of how to make this building better!”
~The 1st Shadow~ was the first to reply. “Why don’t you use your stone powers to make new furniture?”
Arzaki was next. “We should hire a construction crew to build the thirty-twelfth floor.”
Finally, Dallior replied. “Why don’t we just leave it as is instead of trying to advance the plot in a possibly comedic way?”
Pohatu glared at Dallior. “If that was the case, they why are we in a COMEDY??? THIS IS NOT SPARTAAAAAAAAA! !”
Pohatu gear kicked Dallior out the window. Halfway to the ground, Dallior turned into a birdhouse and extended back up to the window. Gukko Lord somehow popped out in the form of a Gukko bird, and laid an egg that hatched into Dallior, and both grew back to normal.
“Okay, I like Arzaki and ~T1S~’s ideas, so we’ll combine them. I’ll hire a lot of Stone Toa to turn this building into a mountain! We’ll all fuse into one giant Toa!”
~T1S~ twitched. “That’s not what I said. And that’s not a good idea. And Toa of the same element cannot merge.”
“So? Since when has what is and isn’t canon stopped us from doing something awesome?” Pohatu then picked up a blackberry and began texting.
Jakura Nuva spoke up. “That’s a fruit. What does that help us with?”
“I have to text The Doctor.”
Jakura was confused. “The Doctor? Like from Doctor Who? Why can’t you just text the Po-Toa?”
“Well, I need Toa Onewa but he is a Turaga now, so I need to get the Toa when they were Toa. Hewkii won’t be hard to get but the others will. Speaking of Hewkii, did I ever tell you he once started a band with some Bohrok Pahrak?”
~T1S~ was equally confused. “What kind of music did they play?”
Pohatu grinned. “Rock and Roll. The songs were good but the lyrics were terrible. It was just ‘chkt chkt chkt’ over and over again.”
Just then, the TARDIS appeared on the table and Onewa stepped out with a bunch of other Po-Toa.
Onewa spoke to Pohatu. “Whadda ya want.”
“We need you to make this building a mountain before we all become American cheese.”
Onewa looked at the other Toa and walked outside with them, including Pohatu and Hewkii. Pohatu nudged Hewkii.
“Hey, are you still a drummer?”
“I think you should stick with it.”
Hewkii rolled his eyes. All twelve of the Toa then became four Toa Kaitas, then merged into two Toa Nui then one Omnipotent Stone Grand Master of All Things Good.
Arzaki opened the window and yelled.
“Wait! If you turn this building into a mountain, it will crush the nearby buildings!”
The massive Toa fusion rubbed its chin.
“Alright, we have another idea then.”
The Omnipotent Stone Grand Master of All Things Good whistled, and the Kanohi Force building turned into a TOWERING PILLAR OF STONE with windows all over and a flag at the top with the Kanohi Force emblem. Then, all the Toa except Pohatu decided to make like a tree and leaf. From the window on the eleventeenth floor, Ghiddy called out to Pohatu.
“Your puns stink!”
Pohatu procured a piece of paper and ripped in in two while replying, “Yeah, they are tear-able, aren’t they?”
A cool dude with a giant slingshot sling-shotted Pohatu back up to the window for no reason other than plot usefulness.
Pohatu sat cheerfully at his desk while telling more puns to the rest of the Kanohi Force.
“Hey you’re looking tired, do you need a bicycle pump?”
“Did you hear about the teacher arrested at the airport for carrying weapons of math instruction?”
“I think jokes about German sausage are the wurst.”
“I’m a vegetarian, and someone once told me it’s a mistake. I corrected them by saying it’s a missed steak. But every now and then I have some Mahi Jerky…”
Finally, Gukko Lord decided to put and end to the insanity.
“This is your idea of funny? Just sitting here inside a giant stone tower telling puns? I thought you were going to do something big!”
Pohatu responded with the obivious response.
“Well, I did do something big. I turned this building into a skinny mountain. Now I’m going to- OH NOES!”
Over the intercom, a loud beeping noise played.
“SPY SAPPIN MAH’ COMEDY!!!!1!!?!11! !!1” Pohatu yelled and swam downstairs to the humor capacitor.
Sure enough, there was a Wheatley attached to it slowly sucking out energy. Pohatu tried to remove it, but it didn’t work. Instead, his hands turned into cheese. American cheese.
Will the Kanohi Force be able to save the humor? Will Pohatu get his hands back? Will Pohatu make a good pun for once? Will I stop asking these questions? Tune in next time for (hopefully) less puns and the answers to these vital questions.
Chapter 4 (Dallior)
One day in the bustling metro of BZ-Metru, a certain office building in the heart of the city was turned, by the power of 12 Toa of Stone, into a giant pillar of stone. From the BZ-Metru government building, the leader of the bustling city lowered a pair of sunglasses as he looked on at the destructive landmass. “Mother of Mata-Nui…” Black Six said, making a reference to the ever-popular rage face.
The leader of the department of editing, -Windrider-, looked on as well. “This… goes against BZ-Metru regulation, as well as Bionicle canon! Toa of Stone can’t combine into Kaita, Toa Nui, or an Omnipotent Stone Grand Master of All Things Good!”
The mods gasped, flustered. They know what they had to do… stop the Kanohi Force.
Meanwhile, in said towering pillar of stone, the Kanohi Force was sitting at the meeting table of LEEDURSHIP. Ghidora ed and said, “Let this meeting of the Kanohi Force LEEDURSHIP Counsel begin! Shadow, membership report!”
The 1st Shadow sighed, stood, and announced, “New membership applications flowing in! Soon, our army, erm, I mean members will be larger than any other organization in the Metru!”
Arzaki and Jakura Nuva started creeping away to the back room. “Finally, it’s time to prove that Gukko Lord can in fact lay eggs large enough to use as foosballs!”
As they stealthily crept away, Gukko Lord shouted, “I heard that!” and commenced attacking them with the Gatling launcher on his Protector of Earth. Unfortunately, it ran out of ammo after six shots, and the Bird Lord stood dejected.
Suddenly, Arzaki pulled a life-sized Gatling launcher out of Ghidora’s pockets, and aimed it at Gukky. “Say hello to my enormous friend!”
Suddenly, the rock wall next to the LEEDURSHIP table exploded. “Was that me?” Arzaki asked, confused. Through the hole, the infamous Mods walked in. Jakura, Arzaki, and Gukko Lord dove behind the gatling launcher. Black Six and –Windrider- flew through the wall and used their administrative powers to levitate The 1st Shadow, Ghidora, Dallior, and Pohatu: Master of Stone, and hold them in custody. “~T1S~, ghidora131, Dallior, and Pohatu: Master of Stone, you are hereby under arrest for creating an uncondoned pillar of stone in the middle of BZ-Metru and leading this establishment. We have no choice but to hold you in custody until further notice.” And after that, they began flying to the Mod Tower to be judged.
“No! Wait! I’m a Premier Member! Help!!” Ghiddy shouted as he flew across the skyline.
“You can’t do that to me! I have actual storyline importance! This is the only place where I can do what I want! You’d make towers of stone too if you had to get bossed around by the story team!” Pohatu screamed.
“I told them not to!” Shadow yelled to Black Six. “Also, what would make you think I did this? I’m your personal representative in this forum!”
–Windrider- then repaired the hole in the building and followed the prisoners.
Once they were gone, the remaining three Kanohi Force leaders gasped and stepped out from behind their shelter. “Oh noes! The mods took them! What do we do?” Jakura Nuva asked confused.
As they considered whether they should flaunt their leedurship powers and mess around, or save their friends, the doors opened to the office building. “Hello?” someone with a thick Southern accent asked. “Is this here the Kanohi Force buildin’?” It was a blue and white Toa of Ice. “Hey. The name’s Kovika. I’m here to help.”
“Kovika?!” The three fugitives asked in unison. “Aren’t you just the guest star?” Gukko asked.
"STOP! You're gonna break the Fourth Wall!" Arzaki shouted.
"It's been broken since Pohatu crushed it with a rock tower!" Gukko retorted.
"STONE! STONE, NOT ROCK! ROCK IS SPHERUS MAGNA!" screeched Jakura Nuva.
"THIS IS A FREAKIN' COMEDY! LOGIC IS NONEXISTANT!" someone shouted. It was such a ruckus, even the narrator couldn’t understand who said it.
“ANYWAYS…” the Ice Toa guest star shouted in a thick Southern accent. “Aren’t we, um, gonna to save your friends er somethin’?”
Meanwhile, in the Mod Tower, -Windrider- and Black Six had imprisoned the four Kanohi Force leaders responsible for the giant stone pillar in BZ-Metru as they tried to come up with a punishment. Once finished with their plans, the two most feared mods throughout the whole of BZ-Metru stepped into the detainment bay, thunder crashing behind them. First, Black Six slowly walked up to The 1st Shadow.
“~T1S~,” Black Six said, actually saying the word “~T1S~”, “you are hereby charged for leading and condoning this event that happened inside your own organization…” “I argued against it!” Shadow yelled, a little too early. Black Six growled, “AND mocking a Mod, I hereby retract one Proto Point from your Proto Bar.” The 1st Shadow could feel the energy drain from him.
“Next, ghidora131.” –Windrider- said as he approached Ghiddy’s cell. “You are hereby charged for…”
“WAIT A SECOND!” the prisoner shouted. “I have something to say!” Black Six walked over to the cell with –Windrider-, curious what babblings would spring from the brook of Ghidora’s mouth. Ghidora reached into his pockets… and pulled out a puppet show stand, 4 extra arms, and puppets of every character in the Bionicle universe. He then donned the Toa Mata puppets… and began to re-enact the entire Bionicle story, extra serials included.
Once he was finished, Black Six and –Windrider- were in tears. “That… was the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.” Black Six said, a smile on his face and tears in his eyes. “You are free to go.”
Ghidora, Pohatu, and Dallior all cheered.
Then, The 1st Shadow asked, “Wait, do I still have -1 Proto?” –Windrider- sighed and whisked the members of the Force back to their building.
“Whew, that was close!” Pohatu sighed. “Well, it’s back to Okoto for me! Protector of Stone, I summon thee!” He then was joined by the Protector of Stone and the Golden Mask of Stone. He donned the mask, powering up and gaining his kaboom-erang sandshoes, and flew away to the mystical island of Mata Nui- er, I mean, Okoto, back to help the Toa Mata- er, Masters, save the benevolent ruler Mata Nui- I mean, Ekimu.
The three almost-prisoners sighed and went to the basement, trying to find where their friends could be. They eventually found them, with Kovika, in the basement, which had been converted into a deluxe mansion suite, complete with hot-tub and an Xbox One with all of the digitally-remastered Bionicle video games, including the yet-to-be-released Okoto video game.
“What are you guys doing in here?” Ghidora asked. “Weren’t you going to come save us?”
“Well, that’s a long story.” Gukko Lord responded. He then turned back to the TV, where Bionicle: Mask of Light was playing.
And the camera zoomed out from the basement, out of the tower, and to an establishing shot of the BZ-Metru skyline. The lasts things we hear are the beautiful tones of Jaller screaming, “Ta-KOO-ah!” Ta-KOO-ah!”
Chapter 5 (Aerixx)
A few days after the last adventure, the Kanohi Force leaders were sitting around the table with nothing to do. That’s right, sitting. Normally they’d be talking about cupcakes or engaging in gladiatorial pillow fights or setting things on fire or all of the above. But now they had absolutely nothing to do.
“Wot say we rek those Matoran outside, m8?” Dallior piped up with a fake British accent, holding up a monocle to his eye.
“Booooring, who wants pizza?” Ghidora131 said halfheartedly, then went back to sleeping on the couch.
Aerixx stood up. “We have to do something before we-”
“Who’s Aerixx?” Jakura Nuva asked from under the table.
“I’m Aerixx: Gukko Lord!” shouted Aerixx: Gukko Lord. “Can’t you see my display name everytime I post?” he motioned to the three words floating above his head.
Aerixx sighed. “I’m gonna go rek some Matoran outside, m8s.” he turned into a Gukko and flew out a window, oblivious to Dallior screeching, “I just said that! I JUST SAID THAT!”
The~1st~Shadow was just coming back from grocery shopping with a bag full of orange concrete for whatever reason. Aerixx returned to normal, ripped the bag out of ~T1S~’s hands, and chucked it at Jaller. It hit the Ta-Matoran square in the face, giving him a blackout and a mild concussion.
“Whyyyyyy?!” ~T1S~ wailed. “He was supposed to be important to the plot!”
Aerixx shrugged and flew back in, subconsciously taking ~T1S~’s keys and leaving him stranded. When he returned to the meeting room, nothing had changed.
“I just rekt some Matoran, m8s.” Aerixx huffed. When this didn’t draw a reaction, he said “Tahu3.0 just became a staff member.”
Every single person and non-person in the Kanohi Force got on their feet, throwing pizza, blankets, and iPhone 7s all over the place. When they’d settled down, The~1st~Shadow broke into the building in a Hazmat mech.
“To the spying machines!” he shouted, spraying more angry Matoran with radioactive waste.
All of the Leedurz settled into their respective chairs and turned on their spying machines, which were really just 1977 Apple PCs (or, in Aerixx’s case, a 1977 PineApple) that somehow defied universal laws by being able to access BZPower.
“Arzaki! How’s the Creations forum going?”
“Overflowing with an army of baby villager MOCs.”
“Jakura! How’s the General Art forum going?”
“It’s so beautiful there are no words for it...”
“Pohatu! How’s the Games and Trivia section going?”
“Neo ShadowVezon is pwning n00bz w/ style in Steal The Mask 3.”
“Okay, keep him occupied. Dallior, how’re the incoming New Members?”
“Mrrph frmh phrmhh!” Dallior contentedly munched on his Apple.
“He means that there’s been one new member, registered yesterday, who’s already reached the Member Title of ‘BZPower Hacked’, and is in the group of ‘Hacked Members’.” Aerixx, who was somehow able to translate mrrph speak, said.
“Hm... what’s his name?”
“His name... is Plaque Sticks.”
“Balderdash! We must alert Black Six!” ~T1S~ roared, scaring off yet another wave of angry Matoran.
Aerixx grinned. “We’ll handle this... using politix.”
Everyone, except Arzaki, gasped.
“What’s politix?” Arzaki stammered, his hands starting to sizzle. The other members reached for their portable fire extinguishers.
“Hitting people upside the heads with rubber mallets.” Aerixx hit Arzaki upside the head with a rubber mallet.
Suddenly, the third wall (thankfully it wasn’t the fourth) exploded with a mighty BOOM. Black Six burst in, his legendary banhammer streaked with rubble.
“There is to be no political discussion on BZPower!” He huffed, making the Leedurz hide in shame. But not Aerixx.
“Okay, acknowledged. Guess what, there’s a parody of you rising through the ranks of BZPower.” He showed the screen of his 1977 PineApple to Black Six, who nodded.
“I’ll take care of him. Heh, usually when someone parodies me, they do something stupid like ‘White Five’ or ‘Gray Seven’. Gotta give him points for originality. Whelp, I’ll be on my way.” Black Six hefted his banhammer and marched out of the half-destroyed building.
He was instantly covered by a mass of angry Matoran wielding makeshift weapons. Even Black Six’s banhammer couldn’t free him of the plastic .
“OH NOEZ!” wailed Ghidora dramatically. “Whatever will we do?!”
“There’s only one army powerful enough to bring these guys down,” Aerixx whispered. “The Kopaka fanboys.”
Suddenly, every Kopaka fanboy on BZPower received a PM. It said:
BEAT UP A BUNCH OF ANGRY MATORAN TO RESEEV A 2001 Kopaka Mata set!
Instantly the courtyard filled with masses of BZPower members wearing shirts displaying ‘I <3 Kopaka’ and holding cardboard cutouts of Kopaka’s weapons.
The Matoran didn’t stand a chance. The only ones left standing were those wearing Akaku masks (because the Kopaka fans wouldn’t hurt the ‘baby Kopakas’). These lucky ones promptly grabbed their unconscious friends and started to drag them back to their respective parts of BZ-Nui.
Black Six gave a quick salute and used his magical banhammer to teleport him to the Staff center, were he promptly hammered Plaque Sticks in the gut, instantly banning him.
“Wow, good job, Aerixx,” Arzaki whistled, then realized Aerixx wasn’t there. “Uh, Aerixx?”
Outside, the disgruntled Kopaka fans were looking around, not knowing what to do next. And at their helm was... Aerixx.
“Where’s the Kopaka set?!” he screamed. “I need my Kopaka set!”
To be continued...
Chapter 6 (The 1st Shadow)
The 1st Shadow was about done with the day. He and the rest of the Leedurship Board were supposed to meet with Jaller about BZ-Nui security measures, but Aerixx had scared the poor Ta-Matoran off with a bag of groceries. “Guys, I’m getting kinda tired.” Before the others could stop him, he headed for the door.
When he opened it, however, he was greeted by a strange sight. Before him stood four beings: a Ta-Matoran wearing a red Volitak, another Matoran whose element he could not identify, a giant banana, and a black and silver Toa of Earth.
Without looking away from the smiling and waving figures before him, he called out to the others,” Hey, uh, guys? Were we expecting company?”
Jakura stood and looked over his friend’s shoulder. “Oh, did they bring pizza?”
Aerixx shifted into a Gukko and flew around the room, screeching something about pineapple pizza.
Shadow shook his head. “No, they look like Guest Stars.” They were still smiling and waving at him. “Really creepy Guest Stars…” They continued to stand there, smiling and waving. “That’s starting to freak me out. Can I help you guys?”
The red one stepped up. “I’m Tahu 3.0, these others are Petewa, Banana Gunz, and Toa Onaku. We’re here to sign up as members of the Kanohi Force!”
Ghidora walked over to the door. “Well, good to meet y’alls! If you want to join, first you’ll have to go with the Shadowman here to receive your new masks.”
Petewa looked confused. “What’s wrong with my mask?”
Ghidora leaned down until he was eye-level with the other. “You will lose your old mask, for it represents who you once were. Your new mask will symbolize you as a servant of the Order. You will lose your soul to us and be forever bound until the pits of Karzahni claim you.”
The Guest Stars looked horrified. The other Leedurship members just stared at Ghiddy as though he had lost his mind (which he probably had). Jakura and Arzaki came up, and dragged Ghidora away. “It’s for your own good,” Arzaki soothed. “We’ll let you out when the new recruits have calmed down and are all situated.” While he spoke, Jakura wrapped Ghiddy in a straightjacket and wrapped his mouth in duct tape. Once that was done, they threw him into the closet and locked the door.
Shadow nodded to the two Toa of Fire. “Thanks, guys. He was starting to worry me.” To the newbies, “Ignore that guy. He hasn’t had his pills today. Anyway, the new masks will grant you new powers and allow you to sense the presence of other Kanohi Force members. Nothing more.”
He started to lead them away, but Pohatu followed them out, his eyes glued to Banana Gunz. Shadow applied some glue-remover, and Pohatu stepped back. “Ooh, what is this thing? All big and yellow and curved…. I want to poke it…” He proceeded to poke the banana.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Gunz screamed. He grabbed Pohatu by the neck (a miraculous feat, seeing as bananas don’t have arms) and proceeded to bash the Toa of Stone against the floor. Once satisfied, he walked over to where T1S stood (another miraculous feat, seeing as bananas don’t have legs, either).
The Av-Matoran shook his head. “Right, you four. Follow me.”
He led them to the Coliseum, where he lived, much to the chagrin of the Staff. That was a story for another day, but more important now was that the Flashbaki itself was kept hidden here.
“So, you live here?” Petewa asked. “How’d you manage that? I thought only the staff lived here!”
“Well, yes, that’s true. But if you were listening to the narration, then you’ll know that it’s a story for another day, and I’m not here to discuss that.”
At that, a bulky Le-Matoran and a Rahkshi of Heat Vision appeared. The Rahkshi spoke first. “Bwoss! You just broke the fourth wall!”
The Le-Matoran joined in. “I hope they don’t sue us for that. Again…”
Shadow sighed and shook his head. “Cyrahk, Thulk, don’t you two have an Ask Clog to run?”
The pair looked at each other briefly before running off to the studio of ~The 1st Shadow’s Comics~.
“Great! Now that those dorks are gone, let’s move on.”
Shadow led the recruits up to the Master Suite near the top of the Coliseum. He brought them into the study. “Wait here.” He then disappeared into a doorway, leaving them alone.
Tahu 3.0 looked around at the others, taking them all in. “So, we’re all joining the Kanohi Force, huh?”
Most of them nodded, except for Banana Gunz, who didn’t have a head to nod in the first place. “Not really. I’m just here for the fun of it.”
Onaku glanced at each in turn. “Might as well get to know each other. I’m Toa Onaku, Toa of Earth, and I’m secretly planning to take over the Force… Uh, I mean… to help out with stuff. Good stuff.”
Tahu 3.0 raised his hand. “As you can see by my magical title floating over my head, I’m Tahu 3.0, and I’m good at getting things.”
“What do you mean?” Petewa asked.
“Well, do you need anything?”
Petwea thought for a moment. “I could go for a Kanoka Cola, now that you mention it.”
Instantly, Tahu held out a Kanoka Cola. Petwea stared at it for a second before cautiously taking it. “Where did you…?”
“Don’t ask. It’s my special secret.”
“Right… Anyway, I’m Petewa. I’m good at most forms of combat, and… Hey, are those genuine Steltian silk curtains?”
Onaku raised an eyebrow. “Short attention span?”
Petwea turned to the Toa and said, “Yes. Wait, no… I mean… What was the question again?”
Banana Gunz rolled his eyes (yet another miraculous feat, seeing as bananas don’t have eyes). “I’m Banana Gunz—Gunz, for short—and I’m here to start a campaign to spread awareness of the slaughter of my brethren to satisfy other beings’ need for ‘healthy snacking.’”
Petewa immediately threw his banana-flavored Kanoka Cola out the window in hopes that the giant fruit wouldn’t notice.
“Who just broke my window?”
They all turned to see The 1st Shadow coming back through the doorway. In his hands was a bizarre object that they figured must be the Kanohi Flashbaki.
It was amazing. Its golden surface shimmered and shifted, its features changing from one mask to the next in rapid succession. One moment, it would have the eyeholes of the Hau Nuva, the forehead of the Mask of Jungle, the mouth of the Avohkii; and the next, it bore the cheeks of the Mask of Earth, the eyepiece of the Akaku, and the crest of the Mask of Water.
“This mask has the power of every Kanohi in existing canon, as well as the powers of the 2015 Masks of Power. Now, I’m going to use this mask to grant you all your new masks and powers. This shouldn’t hurt a bit. If it does, then suck it up, princess. It’ll be over before you know it.”
With that, he removed his black Kakama, and placed the Flashbaki over his empty face. Instantly, it began to stabilize. Its form no longer shifted erratically, but was now forming the shape of a Kakama/Mask of Stone hybrid. As a final change, the mask turned black.
Shadow seemed to be straining with its power, but he managed to focus first on Tahu 3.0. A beam of energy flowed from the Flashbaki, engulfing the Ta-Matoran’s Volitak. When the stream faded, it had been replaced with a red Hau/Mask of Fire hybrid. “Cool!” the Matoran exclaimed.
Next was Gunz. The energy beam created a new mask out of nothing, which proceeded to hang from the stem on top of the giant banana. It was a rare mask known as the Mask of Unpeeling.
Petewa was third. Partway through the burst of energy, Shadow screamed and grabbed the sides of his head. When it faded, Petewa wore a mask that seemed to be made from four masks: Water-Breathing, Water, Strength, and Earth. “Woah! This thing is cool.”
“Interesting,” Shadow gasped. “It seems that your mask has received four powers at once. I’ve never had that happen before.” He turned to Onaku.
“Hit me with your best shot!” The Toa of Earth sang.
“Fire away!” Shadow joined in as he unleashed a final blast at the Toa. When it subsided, all the remained was a stylized Kanohi Pakari. “Huh, that’s weird. Only one power this time…”
Onaku waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine with my Mask of Strength.”
Shadow switched back to his normal Kanohi and gasped for breath. “Alright. You have your masks, now report back to the rest of the Force for initiation.”
“How do we get back there?” Gunz asked.
Shadow grinned. “Just make like a banana… And SPLIT!” With that, he pulled a lever on the wall. The ceiling opened up, and the floor catapulted them out over BZ-Nui, only to land in the pool on top of the Kanohi Force office building.
“Hey!” exclaimed Aerixx. “So, that’s where our pool went! I’ve been looking for that.”
Still in his suite at the top of the Coliseum, T1S leaned against the wall. "Ah, peace and quiet."
Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing a silhouetted figure in a long cloak. "The 1st Shadow, you are needed."
Chapter 7 (Ghidora131)
Well, you've seen what the Kanohi force does with their worthless lives - sit in a building, pull stuff from Ghiddy's pockets, terrorizing the Mods - But this is what Ghiddy does otherwise.
Every Kanohi Force member has a cool vehicle to drive around in. Gukko Lord has the Gukko copter, Jakura Nuva has the Hypemobile...
In the parking lot of the Kanohi Force skyscraper, cutting above the clouds with an incredible area of rooms with zero purpose whatsoever, Ghidora waved goodbye to the group as they drove away in their separate vehicles. Gukko lord, on the other hand, took the elevator to the roof and flew away in his Gukko copter. But Ghidora, as he locked the doors to the Kanohi Force building, realized something very important -
He had no car.
He always got a ride from Jakura, making him late, making everyone who got there on time have to wait half-an-hour for him to show up and unlock the place. If he got there earlier, he could eat some snacks in advance! It seemed like a great idea, but what to get? Oh, the agony tore through his half-existing mind for about five minutes at the most before he randomly thought of something half-decent!
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out blueprints for a car instead of an actual car. He also pulled out tons of metal from his pockets and stuff them into every corner of sheet metal he could think of before he finally came out with a vehicle that not only looked disturbing, but got bad mileage as well.
Later, a giant Unicron head car began driving down the road, making the worst possible noise ever imaginable - Ghiddy was inside it, drinking a Vernors*. He stopped halfway in the intersection, other cars honking at him and Matoran screaming out random Karzahni names at him.
Elsewhere, Karzahni was feeling extremely offended.
As the rioting grew, Ghiddy got into his pockets and pulled out a Megaphone. He inhaled deeply and gave the crummiest Unicron voice you ever did hear.
"Uh, I am the Unicron. Bow before mee... Uh, moo."
All the people began cowering and shaking at the sight of the 'Unicron'. For a short while he thought he was going to be O.K.
Suddenly, Prowl the autobot shot through the air and blasted his precious, beautiful pile of rusty metal to bits. "Too bad I'm out of ammo," he said as he drew an energon sword. "Otherwise this would go easier for you." Frantically searching his pockets, he pulled out the one, the true - Jakura's blade of power, the Sword of Canon.
Elsewhere, Jakura Nuva scrambled looking for it. Where did I put it this time...?
He clashed with the massive - Oops, left the Italics on. Ah, that's better. Anyway, he clashed with the massive autobot, scraping up the ground with official statements. Finally, Prowl, battered, cracking and bruised, disarmed the tall Toa of awesome.
"This will end here, you monster!" he said as he prepared to strike. It probably wouldn't have done much to Ghiddy, but...
He pulled out his trump card. Inside the card was Donald Trump- I mean, a cannon. A futuristic-looking cannon with wing printings on the sides. Along the base it read:
The Cannon of Soard.
Yes, the cannon with the power to destroy anything in its relative size range. Ghiddy slammed it on the ground and fired a decimation blast, fueled by the powah of the decepticon sticker in his wallet.
Prowl's battered corpse fell to the ground, not a bit of energy left in it. As the crowds slowly dispersed, Ghidora packed the Cannon of Soard in his trump card, grabbed the Sword of Canon and left.
Now, to sum up this tale of pointless suspense, we can see what he learned from it all. At the peak of the battle, he then figured out that trump cards make the autobots fall. But the question remains: how does he get to work? So before someone gets me Kapura'd;
For the time he remains, while it's mostly in vain...
He just gets a ride from Jakura.
The end. (for now)
Chapter 8 (Dallior)
One day, the Kanohi Force leedurz were speeding down the officially sanctioned BONKLE RACEWAY on their Kanohi Force vehicles. Gukko patrolled the skies from the fancy Gukko Copter, Ghidora carpooled with Jakura in the Hypemobile, Arzaki... I don’t honestly now what he’s doing up there with that narwhal, but I guess he’s riding it, and Dallior led the pack in Da Big Dilly-Dally Truck. They were heading towards the mall, also known as the Mahwl, to meet the ultimate comic maker... Stan Lee. Ghiddy was still chuckling with glee. For reasons unknown, The 1st Shadow had not been seen or heard from since yesterday. Such a shame, since he's a huge MARVEL fan.
Eventually, they arrived at the dreaded Mahwl, home to screaming girls, shopping girls, Valley girls... and basically 95% girls 50% of the time. Naturally, Arzaki was right at home. “Hey!” Anyway, our heroes had arrived, only to find that the trouble was only beginning.
As they progressed through the mall, trying to find the Stan Lee booth, Dallior suddenly grabbed his teammates and dragged them into a cupcake shoppe. “Hey, what gives, man?” Jakura asked, deflated. “Yeah, it’s not like the entire Brotherhood of Makuta is out there!” Ghidora chimed in. “No, even worse.” Dallior shuddered. “Mall kiosk vendors.” Dallior peeked around the corner and used his mediocre comic-drawing skills to create a map of the next hallway. “Where’s The 1st Shadow when I need him?” he muttered under his breath. “OK, here’s the plan.” Dallior whispered while munching on a salted caramel cupcake. “The Stan Lee booth is at the end of the mall. In between us and him are approximately 21 hallway kiosks.” Gukko snickered. “You said kiosks! Heheheh...” Dallior rolled his eyes and returned to the map. “Most of them are unmanned, or manned by unenthusiastic vendors, like the motorcycle giveaway.”
Ghidora took over, allowing Dallior to risk the journey across the hallway to get Jamba Juice for the team with Gukko Lord. “But, as we all know, the worse the product, the harder the vendors work. Our biggest threats will be the bad quality phone service company, and...” Ghiddy paused for suspense. “...the hand lotion vendor. Are we all ready?”
As the team was about to end the briefing, they heard a scream from the hallway, they saw Gukko Lord lying facedown in a puddle of pineapple smoothie. “Gukky! What’s wrong? Where’s Dallior?” Arzaki asked as he picked up their teammate. Gukko Lord sadly pointed down the hallway, where the team saw Dallior using his life savings on a $60 smartphone. “No! They’ve got Dallior!” Jakura yelled. The team ran over to check on him. He was crying on the floor, screaming, “I was going to buy the Mask Maker Bionicle set in August! I just couldn’t resist! I COULDN’T RESIST!!” The team sadly left their fallen comrade and headed back down the hall.
The onslaught lasted for hours. Arzaki was tempted into working at Hot Topic. Gukko Lord invested in a timeshare in the Bermuda Triangle. Pohatu nearly escaped unscathed, but was finally forced into entering a raffle for a car, where he stood until he was sure the car was his. Finally, only Jakura Nuva and Ghidora, stood just one booth away from Stan Lee, but the last booth was the last... the dreaded hand lotion vendor who would stop at nothing to sell. Jakura, after seeing so many people fall at the hands of the Mahwl, decided to charge straight through, screaming “YOLO” all the way. Unfortunately, the vendor stopped in front of him. Ghidora hid behind a flower pot, and saw his friend stop fall in front of him carrying 3 boxes of lotion. “Spend $15 and you get a free Loofa...” he whispered before he passed out.
Ghidora looked at the vendor with anguish, silently strategizing. Ghidora finally nodded, got up, and began the long walk to Stan Lee. He eventually made it through, unscathed. And he, as a victor, walked to Stan Lee. He got his and Shadow’s comics signed (where was he anyways?), and even arranged a joint-cameo in a new Marvel movie. As Ghidora happily turned around to get out of the gauntlet that is the Mahwl, the lotion vendor jumped in front of him. “Free sample?”
THE END... Or is it?
Chapter 9 (The 1st Shadow)
The Leedurs of the Kanohi Force, minus Ghidora, sat in their meeting room, playing a game of Risk: The BZ-Nui Edition. Dallior was in the middle of his turn. "Pohatu, I'm invading Storyline & Theories from Legends of Chima Discussion."
Shadow sat upright and leaned towards Pohatu. "No! Don't let him have it! That's the last territory he needs before he controls all of LEGO Discussion!"
Pohatu picked up the dice and started shaking them in his fist. "I know! I'll do my best!"
Before the players could roll, Ghidora burst into the room, carrying a large package. "HELLOOOOO, MY FELLOW LEEDURS! Lookee what I just bought for $30 bucks!"
Jakura raised an eyebrow. "Why did you say it like that?"
"You said 'thirty dollars bucks.' That little dollar sign before the 30 makes that phrase 'thirty dollars,' and you followed it up with 'bucks.'"
Ghidora waved him off. "Oh, don't try to confuse me with your sorcerous ways. Anyway, BEHOLD--" He opened the package and withdrew "--The NIIINDROOOIIID MECHDRAGGGOOOONNNN!!"
The 1st Shadow bolted out of his seat, using his Kakama to bolt past Ghiddy, sweeping the box out of his hands and racing back to his seat before the others could finish taking a breath. He stared at it in awe, turning it over in his hands, examining it. "So beautifulll...."
Dallior and Pohatu joined Shadow in admiring the piece, while Aerixx and Jakura turned to Ghidora. "How'd you manage a deal like that?" The Gukko Lord asked.
Ghiddy shrugged, but smiled proudly. "Older set, the store just had it on clearance. that's all."
Shadow glanced up at that. "How many were left? Were there any left? Nevermind, I'll go check." And in another instant, he was gone. The curtains near the only open window quivered, indicating the Av-Matoran's passage through it.
Arzaki stared after him. "What's his deal?" Turning to the others examining the box, he looked inquisitively at it. "So, what is that, an Exo-Force set?"
Dallior slammed his fist on the table. "Exo-force? Of course not! This is one of the biggest Ninjago sets in the Rebooted line!"
Arzaki slumped back in his chair. "Ah. I never really got into Ninjago. What's the big deal about it?"
Everyone else gasped. The crimson Toa of Fire glanced around at his companions. "What? Did I say something wrong? You all look like I've just sentenced myself to death or something."
At that moment, the door behind Ghidora slammed shut, and they heard the outside bolt lock into place.
"Oh, my dear Arzaki... You might as well have."
The 1st shadow stood behind Ghidora's spot at the table, a wicked grin--
--yeah, that one... spread across his face.
"I was perusing the selection of Ninjago sets, when I felt a disturbance in the Creative spectrum. Someone had just spoken out against the wonder that is Ninjago. So, I raced back here to rectify it."
Dallior rolled his eyes. "Hooh, boy... Here we go."
Shadow picked up a sack and set it on the table. He began pulling out various Ninjago sets, ranging from the Skeleton Motorbike to the Venomari Shrine to the Fire Mech to the Jungle Raider. "First, Arzaki, you will learn about the wonders behind the design of the sets."
Clamps shot from the floor and table to bind Arzaki's feet and wrists, and another sprang up around his waist. "Hey, what--"
"The sets combine traditional Japanese architecture with vehicles from all the best action and sci-fi films. In wave one, the four ninja dealt with an army of undead warriors lead by the evil Lord Garmadon..."
--4 hours later--
"... Leading to their eventual victory, but at the loss of their beloved--"
Ghidora sat up, gasping for air, having almost drowned in a puddle of drool. "Gah! Shadow, stop it! You're hurting our brains, too!"
The 1st Shadow paused in his retelling and glanced around at the others. Some were still awake, others dozing off. Aerixx was snoring under the table. Arzaki sat upright, still bound to his spot. A special helmet had been affixed to his head a few hours back, one that kept his eyes open and magnified all incoming sounds by 25%, ensuring that the Toa of Fire would be listening. He now sat shaking in his seat, his teeth chattering behind his Kualsi. "Ninja... evil senseis... Undead noodles... robot fang baldes... stone snakes... gold dragons..."
Shadow walked over and waved a hand in front of his friend's face, but he just kept babbling. The others started to wake up, groaning. Shadow stood upright and put his hands on his hips. "And there you have the Wonders of Ninjago: Condensed Edition. Just wait until I give you the full lecture!"
At that, the rest of the Kanohi Force bolted upright, screamed, and jumped out the nearest window, Arzaki following right behind, still bound to his chair.
"Hm. Was it something I said?" With that, The 1st Shadow winked at the camera and the screen faded to black.
Chapter 10 (Dallior)
One day in the magical temple of the gods... oh wait, wrong opening. Sorry.
One day in the giant stone tower that was the headquarters of the Kanohi Force, 5 of the 7 original leedurs were derping around, looking for ~The 1stShadow~ and Pohatu: Master of Stone.
“Where the karz could they be?” wondered Jakura Nuva. “They’ve been gone for a while now.”
“Maybe they’re in the basement!” Aerixx shouted, knocking over Dallior Nuva’s perfect card castle recreation of the Taj Mahal. He then began to run (or fly or something, Aerixx I’m never really sure) down the stairs to the basement, which after Pohatu’s recreation of the tower building, was now a literal mancave.
“Well, I’ll come with. No point staying up here.” Arzaki said calmly. After he walked down the stairs a few feet, Ghidora and the Nuva Twins immediately turned on the TV and began to veg out, their brains already on shutdown mode. “No point staying up here, my...” Ghidora started to say before he dozed off.
Arzaki ran to catch up with Gukko Lord, who was standing in the middle of the room, assuming the fetal position. “Gukky? What’s up, buddy?” the Leru-wearing warrior rhymed. “S-s-someone broke in!” Aerixx blurted, shaking all the while. “Nonsense, my nonsensical friend makes you think someone had the strength... more importantly, the REASON... to break in here?”
Aerixx slowly stood up, and pointed to the cabana. “Someone’s been eating fried Gukko wings!” Arzaki suppressed a burp and shrugged. “Well, you know Dallior...” Aerixx straightened a little bit and continued to the rest of the evidence. “Someone stole the ammo from my Protector of Earth!” Arzaki looked at him strangely. “You do realize we all lost all of our ammo the first day we got these, right? Mata Nui, what I would give for a blacklight...”
Aerixx pointed then to the 7-person luxury hot tub. “Someone’s been using the Jacuzzi. And they’re still there." Arzaki pulled out his blades and approached the tub cautiously. Looking inside, he saw a dapper orange-Pakari-wearing Matoran, with top hat, bowtie, and everything, lounging in the massage seat saved for Arzaki himself. “Why, you little...” Arzaki began, but before he could finish, the little guy stood up, screamed, and threw an Atari 2600 controller at Arzaki’s face. “Get rekt, m8.” He then proceeded to exit the hot tub (completely dry) and picked up a book. “This any good?” he asked Aerixx.
The newcomer flipped through the book, then put it away. “Eh, it wasn’t particularly novel.”
“Who are you? Why are you here?!” Arzaki screamed finally. He heard Ghidora scream back, “Keep it down! We’re waiting for a new GS!”
“Oh no, oh no...” Arzaki mumbled.
“Yup!” the newb said, smiling. “I’m the Tokytot!” He then grimaced and pulled some seaweed out from behind his mask. “Sorry, just couldn’t kelp myself!” Aerixx let loose a chuckle. He liked this guy’s sense of humor.
“So, you’re one of Shadow’s guest stars.” Arzaki started. “Yup, that’s right!” Tokytot smiled broadly. “But... how did you get here?” Arzaki asked.
Tokytot looked like he was about to say something, when the hot tub started bubbling. Like, the kind of bubbles that happen when Aerixx passes gas in the tub. (They don’t call him Gukko Lard for nothing (sorry Aerixx)) The two Kanohi Force leedurs braced for an intruder, when Pohatu: Master of Stone burst from the luxury pool. “Ah, here I am! So many hot tubs around here. Accidentally stumbled into a hot tub time machine. Whoo, not fun.”
Arzaki and Aerixx simply stood there slack-jawed. Pohatu noticed, and laughed. “What, you think I got the Kaukau because it was the only one left? I’m a huge swimmer. I just became a certified open-water diver!” While they both were busy literally picking their jaws up off the floor, the rest of the present Force came downstairs.
“Oh, hey. It’s you two.” Jakura mumbled as he slid into the hot tub. “Hey, did you guys bring anything else with you? It really smells in here.”
And so, Pohatu was found, a new guest star was born... but what happened to Shadow?
Chapter 11 (Ghidora131)
Today was a norm- er, "normal" day in the life of Ghid Squidulus, or as we prefer to hate him, Ghidora. He got up at the usual time of 2:late, and went to prepare breakfast.
Taking two eggs from the refrigerator, he set them aside and got a bowl of Super Fun Flakes! from the cupboard. He groggily scarfed them down and went to have a shower. Note: he was still in his suit this whole time. He poured a pitcher of water down his sleeve with a bar of soap. After a very odd and disturbing interpretive dance, he rung his entire arm out with the water and spat out the soap.
He took a seat to watch some morning TV, especially his favorite show, Circus Freaks Do Lawn Care, he noticed that the screen was funny. "Hey, who set the channel to 'bars of color'? Whatever." Not thinking anything of it, he shut off the TV. On his way out, he grabbed a small crystal doorknob that, with a click, turned into a fancy cane. Pulling a top hat out of his pocket, he snatched up the eggs, walked out the door, locked it, and prepared to throw them at the neighbor's window.
When he saw the street.
Everything was desolate. A faded shade of brown and grey. In the background, the massive KF skyscraper was riddled with rust and gaping holes. It looked like a nuke had hit. Which, by the sign of the drink he left out last night mumbling, it probably was.
Ghidora raced down the street at a speed to rival ~T1S~. When he got to Jakura's house, his mouth dropped in shock. Nothing was left but the front half of the Hypemobile and a massive crater. He collapsed on his knees in shock. Jakura was dead.
Eventually arriving at the front of the KF building, he saw none of the other members. They must have all died. He placed the doorknob on the door and went inside. The old lounge room was covered in oversized mold. the stairs were falling apart, and the elevator had fallen to the bottom of the shaft. Nothing was the same anymore.
Crawling up the wall, because taking the stairs was no longer an option, He arrived at the KF meeting room and found all the windows replaced with holes in the walls, with no glass there to look like windows. He slowly took a seat in his swiveling Victorian throne. A small, crispy chair was sitting on the floor. It was Aerixx's worm chair. It had been roasted.
On the wall, the picture of the force in its entirety hung... But, the only one there was Ghiddy. This, after distressing him, proved quite puzzling. Why would this have any effect on the picture?
Frustrated by this whole affair, he angrily smashed the photo on his knee.
he angrily smaaaaaaaaaa-------..%%%%%%%%%%%666789000!!?!?!!^!!#*(*
As the world around him began to glitcccccH out of proportion, He saw every single past event ripped apart befoooo0re h3m. Not just the K4n0h1 50rC3, but all of BZP0w3r, and the B10n1cl3 univ3rs3. Then it went black.
"No. I don't want it to end. What was the cause of all this?"
"I'll show you."
A shadowy being only recognized as ~The 1st Shadow~ stepped out of the darkness. "Someone is involved in an evil plot to destroy BZPower, but I can't tell you anymore right now. They launched a nuclear sub-33 mis-"
Ghiddy had fallen asleep already. With an annoyed face, Shadow slapped him awake. "AND BLEW UP BZ-KORO. M'kay? Now, I can send you back to the time before it happened with my Olmak, but I can't help you otherwise. I've got to stop evil forces from tearing apart the Convention Planning area. Good luck, Ghidora... And why do you smell like soda?"
Ghiddy chose not to answer and moonwalked out of a portal Shadow created while he hung his head in annoyance.
He fell out of the air and landed painfully on Jakura's chimney. It was 4:00 in the morning. Everyone was still asleep, except Arzaki, who was trying to get the bed just right and kept cutting it in half. And Ghiddy saw a nuclear 33 missile-thing headed right for him.
Waiting by drinking mushroom tea until it was about to hit him, he pulled out the Cannon of Soard. "Eat Protein!"
Jakura woke up and got ready to pick up Ghiddy, after eating a bowlful of Super Fun Flakes! and brushing his teeth (and several other boring "hygiene" activities). But he was in no sense of the word prepared to see the shell of a missile sitting on the Hypemobile.
"...And that's how I found it!" Jakura exclaimed to the Kanohi Force Leedurship.
On the table sat the hull of the rocket. Ghiddy and Shadow exchanged glances now and then, Arzaki looked sleep-deprived, Aerixx was eating some of the worms off his chair, Pohatu was trying to open a box of Pizza, Dallior was writing everything down at high speeds, and everything was back to 'normal'.
"Oh, Ghiddy..." Arzaki said. "Shadow said to give you this." He handed Ghidora the 2-year Avohkii, "ERMERGERSE ERVERKII!!!" Ghiddy lept through the air, snatched it, and gave Arzaki a hug which was joined by the rest of the KF Leedurz. Except Dallior, whose attempt to hug resulted in falling flat on his back.
Later than night, Jakura dropped Ghidora off at his house. "Say, Ghiddy, you seemed like you wanted to say something all day. What is it?"
"Oh, I'll tell you tomorrow."
Chapter 12 (Ghidora131)
Ghidora slammed his fist down on the alarm clock and blew it to bits. But it wasn't the alarm clock. It was the phone.
"Hm? hello? Shadow? whaddya want? after that ordeal yester-millenia or something -"
"Oh yeah, last month. I'm pooped. Was there some kind of thing happ'nin? Cuz I don't..."
"Ghidora." Shadow said sternly. "We've been standing in front of the KF tower waiting for you to get here and unlock it for 9 hours."
Shadow was in a rage when Ghidora finally piled up to the KF door. "Sorry, I... Uh... Hehe." He quickly unlocked it and went in.
"First order of business." Shadow began once they were all seated on the 13th floor. "Arzaki has purchased some of the best fireworks around, and we're going to give BZ-Koro a fireworks spectacular they've never seen before."
Pohatu's hand flew up, and after cutting its wings and getting it onto his wrist again, he spoke. "Do any of us even know how to use fireworks?"
A long pause with concerned looks occurred. "Um..." Jakura broke the silence. "Yeah... Did you talk to the Mods about whether or not sending high-grade explosives rocketing into the air over the civilian populous is even legal in any part of any dimension whatsoever?"
"Talk... To the MODS?" Blurted out the Toa of awesome. "Are you insane?! for a week the whole administrative board was trying to get me into psychotherapy for what happened beforehand. I really don't want to get involved with them, so let's just not say anything." Gukko Lord glared at Ghidora. "So, you're avoiding the Mods by illegally, publicly blowing stuff up?"
He shrugged. "yeah."
Nighttime. Gukkos flew through the air.
Ghidora and Shadow watched from a back alley as the fireworks were set up. "Ghiddy, what about Arzaki? where is he? He's been missing ever since he delivered the fireworks."
Suddenly a massive blast occurred, and out of the stereotypical cannon that launched the fireworks came Arzaki, riding the bundled-up mass of explosives. "YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAHAHHHHHHHH!!! I LIKE DAH BOOMIEZ!!!"
Streams of rockets flew out and exploded beautifully while a very blackened Arzaki fell back down and hit the ground face-first. Dallior hefted him as the entire Koro oohed and ahhed at the rockets. This, however, was ruined when Ghiddy got up on a stand and began singing the unnatural anthem.
"With the rocket's red hair, the bombs' burning despair, gave poof through the night that our back was still bare. Ohhhh..."
Shadow slapped Ghidora before he could continue. "Really? Really?" The clink of metal bones drew his attention upward. Bonesii stood above, a distasteful look on his face. "Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh he-hh-hi, Bonesii!" Shadow sputtered in nervousness. "Di-did you like the show?"
"The First Shadow. I must say we find your little 'program' annoying and dangerous, but next time, ask before you present." He handed Shadow a paper and disappeared back into the darkness. Instantly he looked at the paper.
Ha I fools you with paper all the lolz
Shadow glared at it before getting up. "Well, we'd better get going. Ghiddy? Jakura? let's move."
Gukko Lord set down his drink. "You know, that's an interesting offer. They have been rather ignoring me. What say I give... 30?"
A hidden figure grinned with glee. "Accepted."
Chapter 13 (The 1st Shadow)
Multicolored lava-lamps hanging from the ceiling illuminated the room.
Aerixx, Arzaki, Pohatu, Kovika, Irrie, and Petewa were in the Kanohi Force Tower lounge, sitting around a table whilst playing a game of Life: BZ-Nui Edition. Ghiddy and Dallior were vegging out in front of the plasma-screen TV that took up most of the wall. Tahu and Onaku were in the middle of a heated game of Foosball in the far corner. Jakura and Durahk were on the smaller TV opposite Ghiddy and Dallior, playing Super Smash Bros: Kanohi Force Edition. No one had seen The 1st Shadow all day--he'd had some business to attend to back ins the Earth dimension.
So far, it had been a really lazy day for the Force.
Dallior managed to bring his mind to focus after a while, and got up, heading to the kitchen in the room next door for a can of Kanoka Cola. Once he'd acquired his drink, he wandered back to the couch. On his way, he heard the sound of the front door being opened two floors down. He thought little of it, slightly more preoccupied with the show he and Ghidora were watching.
Suddenly, the center of the Lounge floor exploded, and Shadow's head popped up through the hole. "I'M HOME, BOYS!" The sound of his voice shocked the Force to attention. He crawled up through the hole, pulling a box with him. Once he was up, he glanced down at the hole he'd made, and waved his hand, sealing it. He then carried the box over to the second gaming table by the Life game going on. "Looky what I got, gents!"
As he opened the box, the rest of the Force (minus Ghidora, who was still staring at the TV) came over to join him. Inside was a brand new laptop. Shadow beamed, as the others oohed and ahhed. "Yup. Just bought it today. Kanohi Force, I hereby introduce you to my newest gadget, Phil."
Kovika raised an eyebrow. "Phil?"
The Av-Matoran nodded. "Yeah, like 'Phil Coulson' from the MCU. I named my last computer after Agent Melinda May, so I figured it was only fitting."
The Toa of Ice shrugged. "Makes sense."
Dallior pushed forward, wanting to get a closer look as the screen lit up. "Shiny..."
Shadow nodded. "The screen resolution is a small step down from my last one, but for all it's good features, it makes up for it. At least I can get back to doing my comics and working on the Okotomation kit again."
Cheers went up all around.
A drop of drool slid down the side of Ghidora's mask, for he still had not moved.
Irrie tapped Shadow's shoudler. "Whatcha gonna do on it first?"
Shadow thought for a moment. "Well, I think I'm gonna write another chapter for our comedy." He proceeded to open a web browser and navigated to BZPower.
"About you showing off your new computer?" Kovika asked.
"Sure, why not?" Shadow began to type: Multicolored lava-lamps hanging from the ceiling illuminated the room...
"Woah, deja-vu," Dallor said.
Chapter 14 (Ghidora131)
This is the tale of a Jakura and his supposed quest. (not the questy quest but just the quest-ish quest)
The Toa of fire woke up with a disgusting smell coming from outside his fancy little home. "What In the name of?"
Sleepily, he got up and poured himself some coffee, but don't ask me if he drank it because I don't know if he drinks coffee. Anyway, he got enough good clothes on to be acceptable for public viewing and went outside. In the street sat a massive blob of horrible brown gelatin, with five machines sitting on top, all repeating a stream of nonsense in a different language. "Good grief, that stuff is smelling horrible! What is it?"
~The 1st Shadow~ Pulled up on his Shadowbike, getting off of it and making sure to use the kickstand. "Jakura, this is an epidemic of... Moderate proportions. This... Is The attack of the evil spammers."
Pohatu was too busy to get off of the KF tower roof, even Ghidora had been shouting at him for the last hour to do so. Spammachines were everywhere, flinging their tasteless meat and shouting off pointless statements. He had ground several to powder and was losing energy, when a barrage of tasty & nutritious pineapple juice sprayed away the artificial food and the tin cans that brought it.
"Aerixx! thanks for getting here. I assume you got Shadow's message as well?"
Arzaki, warrior of fire, master of pyrotechnics, etc. etc., had finally cut through the top of the massive spam pile that fell on him. "Rrraaaagh!!!" his body heat began melting the sludge around him, giving him room to take down the spammachines. "Where do all of these annoying things keep coming from, Anyway?"
A torrent of red laser fire cut through the remaining spammachines. "They're being mass-produced by a handful of master members, machines designed to spam and spam and spam." Dallior said, coming out from behind a bush. "Hopefully Ghiddy can alert one of the Mods so that this can end!"
Ghidora, now tired of shouting at Pohatu, sat down to take up his many should-be-working hours on the computer. He was horrified to find BZPower replaced by BZSpammer, Hapori Tofu as their mascot. Every topic was spam! all of Corpus Rahkshi was an eating contest, B/S/T was a spam development board, BBC was a collection of... Meaty sculptures! It was too much for the Toa of Awesome.
Angrily pulling out a vintage phone, he called Black Six as a last resort. "Hello? get me Black Six Resort. No? only a Moderator? fine.... B6, we have an issue..."
The five machines were having a blast, although they had a bigger one coming. Out of the wreckage of BZP came Black Six, infuriated, carrying the legendary banhammer. "Machines on a site for people? no, sir!"
With one swing, he obliterated the robots, banning their wrecked scraps from BZPower forever.
Jakura swung around angrily on his revolving chair. "Wait, how is it my quest then? It sounds like you guys did everything."
Ghiddy responded with ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and the Kanohi Force packed up, to head back to their own homes and start another most terrible day tomorrow.
Chapter 15 (Irrie)
On one sunny August day, Irrie was walking down the streets of BZ-Metru with great and boastful strides. He was wearing a red scarf, a beret, and to top it all off, his signature handlebar moustache. He was headed to the BZ-Nui farmers’ market to buy some watermelons, which he planned on using to throw off the top of the Kanohi Force tower whenever Kovika passed by. He turned the corner onto Voriki Avenue, where he saw that the road was closed off to traffic for the market. A giant green canopy was strung over the street and many different vendors had their stands and desks set up where they were selling their goods to the various inhabitants of the BZ-Metru. He immediately made his way to the man who had a large selection of melons on his stand. “Hon hon hon, bonjour monsieur! I am here to inquire vous about your exquis sélection of ces pastèques!” “Sorry, I don’t speak Swahili.” “Uh...may I have some watermelons?” “Oh of course! Why didn’t you just say so?” “Hon hon hon, I did! But in le langue de français!” “I told you I don’t speak Swahili.” “Zis is not Swahili! Swahili is le langue de Tanzanie! Zis is le français, le langue de France!” “Please sir, if you need to go find a translator, do so. But like I said, I don’t speak Swahili.” “Just give me those watermelons.” “How many?” “All of them.” “That’ll cost you.” “Money means nothing to me.” “Why is that?” “Because, monsieur...I use baguettes as my currency!” Irrie then challenged the watermelon vendor to a baguette duel. He failed magnificently. He stormed away from the farmers’ market and back to the Kanohi Force tower. “I’m angry!” he shouted as he entered. There was no response. He then spent the next forty-five minutes going to each level of the tower and shouting “I’m angry!” into each of the rooms, however he found nobody there. He was now on the roof of the building. He walked to the edge and roared at the top of his lungs, “I’M ANGRY!” into the void. Silence answered him. “Well this is rather unconventional,” he said. “I wonder if-” A metal thing fell from the sky and hit him on the head. He turned around and picked it up. “Hey, what’s the big idea? Who threw this Kanohi that looks suspiciously similar to a Vahi at me, eh? I swear, one I find out who I’ll flay you! I’ll have your guts smeared out between here and the Bleak Lands!” Once he stopped shouting death threats at the air, he took a moment to look at the Kanohi. “Hey, wait a minute. Today’s my one year cakeday! This is my anniversary Vahi!” He removed his Kaukau and put on the mask. “Yah know, I’ve always wondered why one of the most powerful masks is the first that you get for you anniversary order. Meh, whatever.” He activated the mask. Suddenly he felt the world around him start to blur and change. “Wow, this reminds me of that dream I had the other night.” The next moment he was standing on the ground in the middle of the city. He wandered around aimlessly for the next few hours, casually harassing and mentally scarring people as he went. After about ten hours of this, he stopped to take a break. “Whew, contributing to the economy is hard work. Maybe I’ll interview one last person before I turn in for the day.” He then pranced up to a Le-Toa clad in white armor, a Miru, and a scarf. “Hello, sir! Can I interest you in a copy of Tommy Nitro’s Karate Adventure?” The person turned around. “Finbarr?” “Irrie?” “Oh right, I forgot. I’m still wearing my Vahi, silly me. I must have gone to the future.” “Irrie what are you doing here?” “Yes.” “What?” “I suppose so.” “What?” Irrie then activated the Vahi again. He traveled way back in time, further than he thought was capable for the mask to achieve. When the Vahi deactivated and landed him, he found himself in a strange void-like area. In the distance, he saw a tall human striding up to an orb of what looked like green fire. The man reached out and touched it with his finger. Almost as soon as he did so, his physical form began to shimmer and transform into a robotic one, becoming a black and green Matoran in a leather greatcoat. Then Irrie recognized it was Shadow. “Hey b0ss!” Shadow turned around, shocked. “What...who are you?” “Hey b0ss, it’s me! Irrie!” “What...what is this?” stammered Shadow. “How did you get here?” “Magic!” “What?” “Vahi!” “How?” “Well I used it.” “But...how did you get here then?” “The Vahi.” “But that’s impossible, the Vahi can’t jump dimensions!” “Physics mean nothing to me.” “But you couldn’t have done that with a Vahi!” “How would you know? BZ-Nui doesn’t even exist yet.” “Oh yeah.” “Yep.” “Well this violates several aspects of continuity at once.” Greg Farshtey’s head then appeared in the void and floated toward them. With a majestic blink of his eye, that entire scene was retconned and Irrie was back inside the tower in present-day BZ-Metru. “My my, that was HON certainly a fascinating adventure!” He then activated his Vahi one more time. He found himself standing among a crowd of people looking up at a building. He followed their gaze and saw that a red Turaga was delivering a speech from an elevated platform. “Greetings, fellow BZPower members. I am Turaga Dume, the new ruler of this realm. From now on, this place is to be referred to as VahkiPower.” Irrie shouldered his way to the front of the crowd. He then jumped onto the stage. “Hi there, Turaga Dume.” “What...what's he doing here? Security!” “No, wait. I’m going to deliver a speech about how great of a ruler you will be.” “What?” “You know, a manifesto about how benevolent and nurturing of a leader you will be to us all. It also include a part about your dashing attire and charming personality.” “Oh. Well, uh...I suppose that’s alright.” Irrie walked to the microphone and pulled a piece of paper out from his pocket. He cleared his throat. “The story of Tommy Nitro is essentially this: An average teenager complete with courier bag and gelled hair gets accosted by three goons dressed up like red sausages. Not making this ###### up folks. The leader of this group is called “The Crimson Sausage” and his two minions are called “Booger” and “Zippit”. The goons don’t actually beat Tommy up, they just call him names like ‘Tommy Salami’. Oooh… ice burn! “After his violent beati…I mean, talking-to by the bad guys, Tommy’s comic book comes alive and “Sensei Nobu”, the hero of said comic shows up to teach him Karate. Sensei Nobu is an unintentional metaphor for the ignorance of Eastern culture in the English speaking world. He’s ambiguously asian, dressed in a feudal Japanese outfit but sporting a Pai Mei/White Eyebrow hairstyle complete with fu-manchu (as in Manchuria, CHINA) moustache and a long wispy beard. “The culturally confused Sensei Nobu informs Tommy that “Karate is not for attacking, it is used only for self-defense!”. This is brought up again later in the video when it’s said “There is no first attack in Karate.” This statement is 100% true because Andy Hug, K-1 Champion and Kyokushin Karate stylist had to fly all the way over to Thailand just to learn how to throw the first punch in a fight. It’s reported that this difficult transition took over six months of rigorous training. Normally, Karate sparring sessions go to the time limit with both participants just circling each other, except in those rare instances when one of the competitors trips and falls towards the other one. Since this can be considered an attack, his opponent responds promptly by kicking the falling man in the head before he hits the canvas for the win. The best part about this is that I don’t know anything about Karate, Aikido is where the swag’s at. “Aside from the soccer-mom, “think about the children” revisionism of the violence inherent in learning how to punch and kick people, the DVD teaches a few basic techniques for doing precisely this. Kids are shown “lunge punches”; round, side, and front kicks, and even an elbow strike, all of which, of course, could never be used to actually attack someone, as we all know. “Fear my “Squirrel nearly steals the acorn, but not quite” technique! “The video ends with a confrontation between the Crimson Sausage and his cronies, and Tommy Nitro and his cronies, the two 9 year old black belt kids named ‘Scotty Karate’ and ‘Amazin Jason’. At this point I’m expecting some actual punching and kicking, especially considering the “bad” guys are dressed up as punching bags with targets on them exactly like the punching bag that comes with the playset. But noooo… we can’t have that. They challenge the Tommy NO2 and his 2 No No’s to a Kata, which of course the bad guys lose. But here is when the most priceless moment of the video takes place. Upon losing, they don’t want to leave according to the terms of the challenge, and challenge Sensei Nobu to make them leave. He responds, like any trained martial arts expert would, by jumping around punching and kicking the air in front of the punching bag-attired goons.” Irrie looked up from the paper after he had finished it. The crowd was in tears. Turaga Dume hugged him. “Mein Gott, that was the most beautiful manifestation I’ve ever heard! Here, you can become the leader of VahkiPower, anyone with such literary class and oral fineness is clearly more cut out for the job than I am!” “Haha, no can do Mr. Dume. I’ve a wife and kids back home, I need to go.” “Really?” “Not at all, but I do live in a dingy tower with a bunch of other guys that smell like the last time they showered was ten years ago.” “Then why would you want to go back there?” “Because Arzaki owes me money.” And with that, Irrie activated his Vahi and he was transported all the way to modern-day BZ-Nui. “Well, that was fun and all. Alas, I think that that’s enough time traveling for today. However I bet that this thing will come in handy sometime in the future,” he said as he took the mask off. At that moment, all the Kanohi Force members entered the room, sporting v-neck sweaters, cargo jean shorts, and afros. “Happy cakeday, Irrie!” they said. “What? Wait, where were you guys?” “We were at the annual V-Neck Sweater, Cargo Jean Shorts, and Afro Convention,” said Dragon. “Why wasn’t I invited?” “Well we were going to, but you rushed out the door saying that you were going to go buy watermelons.” “Oh.” “It was actually pretty cringeworthy,” said Petewa. “I think a better term would be ‘dank’,” explained Pohatu. That night, they ate a meal comprised of camembert, escargot, baguettes, and brie. After finishing their dinners, they all went to the longue to watch highlights from le Tour de France. It was a very nice cakeday.
Chapter 16 (The 1st Shadow)
On a pleasant August day, most of the Kanohi Force was sitting around in the 17th Floor lounge of the Tower. The lava lamps hanging from the ceiling gave the whole room a weird '70's feel, but no one questioned it. Irrie was reading a book in the recliner by the jukebox, from which emanated the sounds of smooth jazz. Durahk, Dragon, Kovika, and Tahu were playing Super Smash Force, while Petewa and Meyres watched, awaiting their turn. Onaku and Dane were playing a game of 21 at the gaming table, while Tokytot and Dallior sat at the soda bar and told funny stories. Shadow and Jakura were sitting in front of the giant plasma screen, not watching anything, but just chatting about art projects.
Suddenly, there was a "WHOOSH!" and a silver-and-bronze Matoran wearing a Kakama stood in the center of the room. "Hey, guys! Ghidora and Aerixx have called a meeting! They want you up there now! I'll go find the others." And in a flash, he was gone again.
Everyone lazily stared at the vacant spot for a moment. "What was that all about?" Dallior asked.
Shadow looked at the door, and back again. "I think that was Bronzejet, one of our new recruits."
Dane gave a quizzical look. "What was he going on about?"
Shadow shrugged. "Eh, he said something about Ghiddy and I just kinda spaced out." He turned back to Jakura. "Probably nothing important."
They all went back to their business, as if nothing had happened.
The sound of a Midak machine gun (one of Shadow's inventions) going off startled everyone to their feet. Bronze was already walking back out of the room, gun aimed at the ceiling. "Get off your butts."
They all filed out behind him.
Up on the 40th floor, in the meeting room, everyone took their seats. The room had been renovated since the earlier days of the Force, and could now seat all of them, rather than just the Leedurship Board. Ghiddy and Aerixx smiled as they all came in, neither saying anything. Once they were all seated, Ghiddy and Aerixx took up positions on either side of Ghiddy's chair at the head of the table.
"Before we get started, let's do a role call!" the Toa of Awesome said. Everyone groaned.
"The 1st Shadow?"
"Right next to you."
"About to come over there and roast you if you don't hurry up..."
"Sitting back here on my llama!"
Everyone turned to look at him, then back to Ghiddy. "Why is Gunz riding a llama?" Shadow asked.
The Toa of Awesome waved him off. "Who cares? He's here. Speaking of which... Bronzejet Kakama?"
"For me? Oh, you shouldn't have! ...Wait... Oh, right. Dallior?"
Draining the last of his Kanoka Cola, the Ta-Matoran slammed the can on the table and burped.
"Agent Epsilon reporting for duty!"
"Oh, wait, that's me!" Ghiddy laughed for a moment before continuing. "IcarusBen?"
"How did I get here?"
"Good question. Irrational Rock?"
"Present and prepared to be irrational!"
"That's the spirit! Jakura Nuva?"
The Toa of Fire snored.
"Love the enthusiasm, buddy! Kovika?"
"Just chilling back here."
"42! Wait, no, chicken nuggets! Wait, what's the question?"
"About to join Arzaki in pounding you through the floor."
"Right here, boss!"
"Pohatu: Master of Stone?"
"Why am I here?"
"Cheers, old chap!"
"There, all done!" Everyone sighed in relief. "Is there anyone I may have forgotten?"
A hand went up. "Back here!"
"Ah! The Forgotten Chronicler," Ghiddy said as he jotted the name down on his piece of paper. "Rather unfortunate name, I must say."
Aerixx pushed Ghiddy aside and stepped up. "Onto business. We're nearing the end of August now, and as you all know, August is Kanohi Force Month. As it happens, we haven't done much but put up banners on our front doors. Ghiddy and I have been discussing ideas to get the word out about us. Here's what we've got:
"One, I will command an army of Gukkos to swarm over all of BZ-Nui, writing out 'Kanohi Force Month' in the sky over everyone's heads and putting on the most fantastic aerial display anyone has ever seen!"
Ghiddy stepped up again. "Two, we can fill all of BZ-Metru with sky-high statues of ourselves for all to see! The world will bow down to the might of the Kanohi Force!"
Everyone stared at the Toa of Awesome as if he had grown another head.
"Or," Aerixx continued, "we can arrange a parade through the streets, that way word gets out and we don't cause too much trouble."
"Or," Ghiddy butted in, "we can enter the Coliseum, call in all the members, and put on a play about the Force, from our humble beginnings in an old shack down on Southeast 19th street to our ultimate rise to power, in which we will overthrow the Staffers while Shadow and I rewrite this world in our image, throwing away the title 'BZPower' and resurrecting 'KanohiPower!' It will be glorious!"
Everyone looked at the Toa of Awesome as if his second head had grown another head of its own.
Shadow stood and addressed them all. "I have another idea. Why don't we put a pin in this discussion for right now, and let whoever writes the next chapter decide what we do for Kanohi Force Month? Perhaps this talk will spark some ideas."
Ghiddy raised a hand. "But, I wanted to be king!"
Arzaki, Onaku, and Jakura got up, surrounded the Toa of Awesome and wrapped him in a straightjacket again, and began dragging him towards the cushy safe-room in the corner. "Yes, you can be king of Ghiddy's Pillow-Land," The Toa of Earth said.
Jakura nodded. "You can come out when we're sure you're safe again," he soothed. "This is only for a little while."
Shadow shook his head as they closed the door. "Alright, next chapter, one of you gets to come up with an idea. All of you, have at it! Meeting adjourned!"
Chapter 17 (Dallior)
Dallior the Ta-Matoran strolled through the streets of BZ-Nui, gazing up at the giant stone behemoth the Kanohi Force called home. He walked through the front door and towards the empty elevator shaft. He put on his black Miru, looked up the vertical tunnel, and shot up to the 21st floor, the rooms of the Force underlings. Dallior had roll call duty, and he had to walk through the dangerous warzone of the barracks to make sure all Kanohi Forcers were alive and not missing more than three limbs.
As he opened the door, a pie shot at 1337 mph onto Dallior's mask, banana cream dripping through the holes of the Ta-Matoran's Pakari. He sighed, marked Petewa as accounted for (he could hear his inane giggling), and replaced his cream-covered mask with his silver comics Pakari. As he replaced his BZPad used for roll call in his fez, he heard a scream that sounded like rocks being grated against a blackboard. He took his precious time walking around the corner, and looked to see a trans-dimensional portal where Dragon's nest should have been. “What's going on?” he screamed at nobody. Dallior took his BZPad 4 back out along with a shoulder-mounted Cordak blaster, a nd scanned the purple hole. “Scans showing a wormhole, designer color indigo. Recent travelers: Dragon11603, Bronzejet Kanohi Kakama, Tokytot.” his screen read out. “Oh boy.” Dallior said through gritted teeth. He tightened his Cordak and leaped through the portal.
On the other side of his inter-dimensional travels, Dallior discovered a world of blocks, much like Minecraft. He had stepped out into a large city block, surrounded by monorails, inventive alternate vehicles, and annoying catchy jingles. He tightened his fez with his claw hand... wait, claw hand? Dallior rushed over to a transparent 2x4 brick, and saw an astounding sight. He was a LEGO minifigure. The sounds of “Everything is Awesome” resounded from all around. “Oh no.” The Ta-Minifig gasped. “I'm in the LEGO Movie.”
He immediately rushed over to the office tower to see a still in-power President Business. As he sighed in frustration, he was immediately passed by a large motorbike. He was about to shout, when he saw the driver and passengers. Wyldstyle was racing past, carrying Emmet and none other than his three missing compatriots. “Why, hello, Dallior! I was not expecting to see you-” The Tokytot began. “Shut up and keep your head down!” Wyldstyle yelled, sounding as though she had been enduring this for a while. It didn't take long for Dallior to see why Tokytot needed be concerned for his top-hatted noggin. Short behind was Bad Cop followed by a fleet of Super Secret Police cars. “Get those minifigs!” He shouted at his troops. Dallior leaped out into the street as the first few cars passed, grabbing one of the straggling cars. He instantly began quickly disassembling and reassembling the generic car, turning it into a small hovercraft. “Yup, still got it.”
In his new spaceship, spaceship, SPACESHIP, Dallior sped ahead of the robots to follow Wyldstyle and the Forcers through the Wall-Between-Worlds, and eventually was led to the technicolor dreamland of Cloud Cuckoo Land. He hid inside the DOG during Emmet's epic speech, trying to reach his friends to no avail. Suddenly, a loud crash was heard, and Emmet tripped. “What's that on his ank-lhlhlhlhe?” Mermaid Girl asked, Dallior mouthing along. “And cue roof being ripped off,” Dallior whispered as Bad Cop stormed the convention hall. “And the gum hits Superman... now.” Dallior snapped and the Man of Steel was imprisoned in a cell of stickiness. “Oh, boy.” Dallior said, walking over to Superman, where Hal Jordan stood, also trapped. “Uh, Superman?” the Ta-Minifig asked the pile of gum. “Mfh-mm?” it replied. “You realize this is only gum, right? You're Superman. This isn't Kryptonite.” Superman muttered questioningly, then burst out of the sticky situation. (Sorry, I had to go there.)
The Man of Steel flew around the battlefield, crushing the enemy forces with ease. The baddies were put to a stop in no time. Superman barely broke a sweat, casually waving down to the sinking Bad Cop in the sea below. “Wow, that was easy. Imagine if I had stayed in that gum, and Emmet would have had to go on a long journey to save us all.” “Yeah, what if? Hehe...” Emmet mumbled sadly from a corner, sad that he was now just an ordinary guy again. As the masses cheered Superman, Dallior pulled his underlings from the throng and brought them over somewhere inconspicuous, which was hard in Cloud Cuckoo Land. “OK, let's get you three home. I don't even want to know how you got here.” “Actually, it's a funny story, we...” Bronzejet began, but he was shoved into Dallior's fez. Dragon was also placed inside, and Tokytot would about to join them too. “Wait! I got this!” Tokytot pulled off his own top hat and jumped inside of it, which Dallior then placed inside the Hat of Wonder as well. He then dropped the fez over his head, it falling down over Dallior.
The Forcers were flung out of the same portal that had taken them to Bricksburg, back in their normal (well, far-from-normal), constraction-y forms. Dallior picked up a lone top hat on the floor, which Tokytot fell out of. “Well, that's enough excitement for one day.” Dallior said, walking out of the barracks. Suddenly, he was pinned by Arzaki. “Hey, Dilly-Dal, you know how Aerixx calls himself the “Toa of Silver” now? Well, we were playing Bonkle Chess when...” “Oh no.” Dallior groaned.
Chapter 18 (Dragon)
Irrie and Petewa went to a Flea Market.
"So Irrie, What are You looking for?"
"HON HON HON Le Items of le french Culture HON HON HON"
Suddenly, some weirdo said "Mmmmmmm, You look for MMMMMMMMMMMM FRENCH CULTURE"
"Err.... Yes?" Said Irrie
"I am mmmmmMMMMMMMMMMM MENDLESON. Yes mmmmmm Mendleson. I have mmmmmm Miniature MMMMMM EIFFEL TOWER." Responded Mendleson
"Well, how much does it cost HON HON HON"
"mmmmmmm 1 Eiffel tower for MMMMMMMM 15 BABY SHOES."
"What?" Said Petewa, Confused
"mmm, yes, 15 baby shoes. 2 shoes per MMMMMM BABY."
Petewa Whispered to Irrie "I think we should pass, how are we gonna get the Baby Shoes?" To That Irrie Responded "I Have a way of getting things I want HON HON HON." Before Elongating his neck and wrapping around Mendleson's Neck.
"Look. I want that Eiffel tower. you are going to give me it. I am not going to give you a single Baby Shoe. If you ask me for Baby Shoes, I will Squeeze, and Suffocate you to death."
"Wow Irrie that got dark" Said Petewa
"Mmmmm Fine." Said Mendleson, before giving Irrie the Eiffel Tower "Now mmmmm you. Brown one, what do you MMMMMMMMM WISH FOR"
"I need a Hunting Rifle, I have a Certain Racist-Goose to hunt."
"Mmmmm yes. Will this MMMMMM WORK" responded Mendleson, before taking out a Rocket launcher.
"Mmmm Yes. 15 Baby Shoes MMMMMMMMMMM PLEASE"
Chapter 19 (Ghidora131)
Ghidora awoke with a start. He had just realized something.
All the other members were suddenly preoccupied last night and couldn't come to the tower the next day. He hadn't thought about it since then, but the only possible answer for this conundrum was a mind-torturing reality of physical labor dreaded by all sentient beings, that only the bravest could survive and only the most foolish would attempt:
After trekking to the tower, Ghiddy placed the crystal doorknob on the door and went inside. There were cobwebs all over, spilled chimichangas on the floor, and papers saying "ugly" left around by Dane. And this was only the bottom floor. Retreating to the only place that never got cleaned, the basement, Ghidora geared up with a spray cleaner and a napkin. It was the dreaded time of cleaning. Curse Jakura for not reminding him how to use the spray clea- Oh great, he just sprayed himself in the eye. Look at him running around and screaming.
The lobby didn't take too long to clean, but he had to resist swiping the cash register (even though it was empty). And he proceeded upstairs to the 4th floor, Shadow's workshop, also known as the Shadowshop. Just some broken nails and 'Ghiddy don't come in here' signs.
The next floor to clean was the dining hall. This room hadn't been used since Ghiddy's last fancy meal, which was.... 7 months ago. Jeez. It looked like the cobwebs blanketed the place. Taking out a machete from his pocket, he slashed across the webs until they died of aluminum poisoning. After that, he snatched all the loose change on the floor and left.
On the 13th floor, Ghidora opened up his art studio, which was just a bunch of creepy amalgamations of the Force in certain popular media guises, like the Avengers*, Green Lantern*, and Super Mario*. Its real purpose was unknown except to Shadow and himself.
The 15th floor was Aerixx's sound studio, in which all he ever did was just goof around with sound effects. Ghiddy wasted no time getting out of there. On the 17th floor was the lounge, filled with lots of lava lamps, a giant plasma screen, a VG station, gaming tables, foosball, air hockey, pool table, a soda bar, and a jukebox. This one had been thoroughly dirtied by the Force memburz yesterday, what with the cheese puffs and everything. Sighing, he cleaned that up too.
The 20th, 21st, and 22nd floors were the occupied dormitories for the force, and the 23rd and 24th dorms were the unused ones. After chucking a bunch of Irrie's French trash in the garbage, and cleaning up the 'ugly' papers stuck to Petewa's door, he was done with that filth pile.
The 31st floor was the cardio/weight room, where everyone tried to out-strength each other. Ghiddy always won by using fishing lines and disguised weights, then the force would get wise to it, then chase him around, the everybody got tired, and then they got some sodas and gained weight again. Fun. The only thing here to do was to mop up the sweat lathering the floor, and since he only had spray cleaner and a napkin, he couldn't do that, so the room needed no cleaning.
The 32nd floor was the marksman studio, where everyone went after watching Age Of Ultron. An Ale Of Ultron picture hung on the wall, made by Ghidward himself. They had crossbows, crossbows, regular bows, crossbows, and a kid's bow for Dallior that shot plastic arrows with suction cups at the end, because everyone liked to troll Dallior. Only bits of dried blood and places where the bows got flung into the walls had to be cleaned. You don't want the crusty blood to get dusty, do you?
The 33rd floor. This was the one room Shadow insisted Ghiddy not touch more than his work room. It was a elemental power training room that Shadow designed, but never specified what for. All that was known is that the sure way to know Shadow was at his fullest in concentration was when Ghidora had to interrupt him. He cleaned off the smudge marks made by Shadow angrily hitting the walls when He bothered him.
39th floor - probably one of the cleanest floors, this was the Leedurship Offices floor. Shadow maintained a strict cleanliness code on this floor. No wrappers, chimichangas, or Cheetos were seen here. Ever. Last time someone did that Pohatu got suspended from the front of the building. And he wasn't even the one who did it.
The 40th floor was the council room where everyone council'd. Or something like that. Ghidora wasn't exactly sure what it was for, but whenever it was used, big stuff happened. Nevertheless, he still looked through Shadow's set of papers like a jerk and copied stuff down, before pretending to clean.
And the most important floor on the tower - Floor 41, the Leedurship Board Meeting Room. On rare occasion did any normal member get in here. This was where every decision involving the Kanohi Force took place. It also featured the prized lead-lined bathroom. Obviously, this was one of the rare rooms Ghidora can take credit for designing by himself. Which is why they forced him to clean it, and everything else, but why ;-;
The 42nd floor was invol[RESTRICTED]urple, and that's why dinosaurs love tacos. Ghiddy cleaned it up as well.
The roof featured the lovely Gukkocopter and a party pool, which they somehow kept losing. All that needed to happen was to get the collection of dead bees off of the surface of the pool, which he did begrudgingly.
At the base floor, a very tired Ghidora pinned up a plan to have an elevator installed. His BZPad began ringing out a retro game theme, and a message from Shadow was on the other end. "Hey, Ghidward, don't forget to clean the tower today! I would have done it myself, or any other member would have, but... Uh... Oh look, I'm totally busy suddenly bye."
With an irritated sigh, the Toa of Awesome locked up and trekked back to his house to play video games and lay in bed.
Chapter 20 (Irrie)
Shadow banged his fist on the desk of the meeting room.
“Alright, settle down everybody.”
“But Shadow, the only person who’s said a word so far in this meeting was you.”
“Be quiet Aerix, it was done for effect. A powerful entrance is what every story needs to captivate the reader.”
“That’s called a ‘hook’,” said Irrie.
“Then Gali Mata must have been great at telling stories,” remarked Ghidora.
“Right...as I was saying, we’ve gathered here today to address the an event that will take place for Kanohi Force month. Behold, the Kanohi Force Olympics! Since the Greeks don’t have enough money to put on their own Olympics, we’re going to do it for them.”
Black Six then burst through the wall of the room and reminded everybody to refrain from political discussion in BZPower. Smokey the Bear then followed him and told everybody that only they could prevent forest fires.
“Right...anyway, this is how it will work: We will go through several athletic events and at the end, the 1st place person will get 3 points, 2nd will get 2, and 3rd will get 1. Any questions?”
Banana Gunz raised his banana hand.
“Will there be a fashion show?”
“Um...I don’t think so.”
Day 1: Track
The first day of the Kanohi Force Olympics began with the 100 meter sprint. Everybody lined up on their places, and Smokey the Bear was the guy with the starting pistol. Only he used a water gun since that would be more forest-friendly.
Everybody began to scramble forward. Arzaki somehow tripped in such a magnificent manner that he was sent rolling over into Petewa’s lane, knocking him down. Onaku had to jump over the two of them as they came crashing into his lane. However when he landed, he twisted his ankle, sending him sprawling down to the ground.
Ghidora saw all of this and then had the impulse to become a chicken, which he did. He walked over into Dallior’s lane and began squawking. Dallior had to run around him, however this sent him crashing into Pohatu, who was sent careening into Irrie’s lane, who fell down into Kovika, who toppled over onto Shadow, who landed on Aerix, who tripped into Dane, who flailed onto Tahu, who slid into Jakura.
The end result was Banana Gunz winning, since he hadn’t left the starting line and thus couldn’t be disqualified by falling. You know, being a banana and all.
Next up was the hurdles. I doubt that I need to describe how it happened, but the end result was it being a competition of the hurdles having to jump over the Kanohi Force members.
Day 2: Swimming
Early in the morning, everybody gathered at the swimming pool for the 50m freestyle. Bets were placed on Pohatu, who was one of the most proficient swimmers there. With the firing of Smokey’s squirt gun, everybody dove into the pool. Irrie fell to the bottom of the pool because he couldn’t swim, Ghidora swam into Dallior’s lane and dragged him to the bottom where he performed exploratory surgery on his left knee. Tahu tried to distract everybody else by heating up the water, but Kovika counteracted it by cooling it. By this point, everybody had reached the opposite wall, and in the process of turning around and going back, half of the remaining members had somehow wedged themselves in between the bricks in the side of the pool.
The winner of the event was Pohatu, but not after losing his arm to Dane’s hungry shark mouth.
Next up was synchronized swimming. And as you might expect, this was a disaster waiting to happen. Jakura somehow won, but not after having to compress the universe into a singularity and then restore it.
Day 3: Field
Any event involving throwing javelins couldn’t possibly go well for the Kanohi Force. However you imagine how chaotic the event was, it was around ten times that.
Day 4: Cycling
Smokey the Bear fired off the starting squirter, and everybody was off on the velodrome. Petewa took an early lead, however was caught by Dallior. Kovika came up from behind, but his attempts were thwarted by Meyres, who passed him.
Just when it looked like it was going to be a normal event, Pohatu used his stone powers to summon an asteroid down to the island, destroying the velodrome in the process. Luckily Smokey the Bear was able to put out the fires.
Day 5: Badminton
The first game was Petewa and Dane verses Shadow and Dragon. Dane served, sent the shuttlecock over the net, sent back over by Dragon, saved by a dive from Petewa, Shadow sends it back over, Tahu lights the net on fire because he’s bored, Petewa sends it over, Dragon does the same, Aerix’s Gukko flies in and ravages the court, everybody flees from the crazed bird, Banana Gunz is somehow the winner.
Next up was Meyres, who somehow won the game, despite being the only player, due to everyone else having fled the arena because of the Gukko.
The final match was Meyres against Banana Gunz. Meyres was about to serve, but Banana ran forward and constricted himself around Meyres' body.
"YOU WILL SUBMIT! SUBMIT!"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"
"CONFESS OR I'LL PUT YOU IN THE COMFY CHAIR!"
"I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION!"
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
Day 6: The Finale
“Alright...so the winner of the Kanohi Force olympics is Banana Gunz. Well done.”
“Arzaki, what happens if I push this button?”
“Nice work, Banana!”
“No Meyres, don’t press that!”
Then, due to Meyres pressing the button, a swarm of angry Nui-Jaga was unleashed from one of the cellars and ravaged throughout the tower. But once the bugs smelled the dank odors that came from the locker room they all died.
Chapter 21 (Ghiddy)
The Masters Of Permanent Stupidity (M.O.P.S.)
Shadow and Ghidora stood on the KF tower landing pad, both wearing glasses to pretend to be goverment officials, as Aerixx landed the Gukkocopter and unloaded the two passengers he had crammed into a suitcase: Shockwave, and Durahk. Both were in considerable pain and smelled like pineapple.
"Aerixx, do NOT use my suitcases to transport pineapple smoothies! The stains don't come out!" Ghiddy barked as he snatched the suitcase away from the pineapple enthusiastic. Shadow looked extremely concerned. "Er... Sorry for the trip over, guys. Showers are a few floors down." Shockwave barged past everyone and headed for the showers while Durahk followed, looking in awe at every speck of dust he could see on the walk.
Ghidora couldn't help but notice Aerixx looked a little smug. "What's wrong wih you? pineapple stuck in your windpipe?" Without answering the rather odd question, Aerixx slowly walked down the stairs, chuckling to himself, while Ghidora and Shadow exchanged glances, which eventually led to Ghiddy making disturbing faces, and receiving a punch in the face.
Dallior and Pohatu were very busy playing Mavrah Kart. Pohatu hit the turbo boosters and launched off of the ramp just in time to land across the gorge and knok Dallior into the pit, while also crossing the finish line in 1st place. In a fit of abnormal rage, Dallior roared and chucked the remote at the TV, which stretched like rubber and sent it back at him. Ghidora walked in, rubbing his jaw, just in time to see it occur.
"What the heck was that?" Dallior said, frantically picking up his fez which had been knocked off after he collided with the remote. "Oh, it's a ru-plex TV screen. I had one instaled after a few incidences at Jakura's house involving... Nachos and ceilings... Convinced him to install one for his own TV. Obviously i thought since we're so bouncing-off-the-walls over here it would make sense to bounce off the TV too."
Dallior and Pohatu had forgotten their fierce rivalry and were now trying to understand what the heck Ghidora had just said. He walked out to go get some asprin while Aerixx watched from an evil, shadowy corner, ignoring the fact Ghiddy had waved at him as he passed. "Mwehehe. Laugh, you scoundrels. But when i am done, you will respect Gukko Lord!"
The doorbell rang.
Instantly every Kanohi Force member in the building (yes, even cool, collected Shadow) rushed for the door one way or another, whether in involved breaking through the elevator or bolting down the stairs, shouting "I'LL GET IT!!!" and they all collided in a pile next to the door. Jakura stuck his hand out and opened the doorknob. "yes hello and welcome to the Kanohi Blob."
After a series of lame 80s theme songs, proceeded by Dane shouting "UGLY" unti they trapped him in a trash can, the Kanohi Blob's leedurz pulled themselves out of the mess into the street to encounter seven odd-colored weirdoes in lietards of a hideously clashing colour. Design artists should look away now.
"WE" the group said as one, turning to face each other and striking a stupid pose. "ARE" They made another pose facing away. "MOPS" They finished with a very disturbing stance.
Ghidora was the first to come out of the trance of processing the stupidity and ask the question "What? are you some kind of street gang?" But before his question got answered, Aerixx walked up to them. "Hey guys, thanks for showing up. Look, we're in a rushed schedule, so could you make this quick?"
"What is going on, Aerixx?" Shadow asked. "And how do you know these... 'people'?"
"Oh, it's quite simple." He laughed suspiciously. "I made a deal with these guys to make you respect ME as the leedur of the Kanohi Force! Sorry Ghid-Squid, but i'm tasking charge now. Your puny attempt at leedurship broke my bones on several occasions, and now we've got hospital bills to pay off!"
"Hosptal bills? i don't remember any..." Shadow trailed off, looking towards Ghidora, who began whistling and pointing behind his back to the dumpster. "NO. YOU FACE JUSTICE FROM MOPS. NOW DIE PLEASE." Without warning, the multicoloured fiends activated their power of moppiness and turned into a mergerzurd, which Dane repeatedly yelled "UGLY" at from inside the trashcan.
As Shadow held his head in his hands and all of the regular Kanohi Force memburs piled on top of Aerixx to keep him there, with Shockwave sitting on top of all of them drinking tea, Ghidora tapped him on the shoulder and whispered "I wanna do the thing where i get all big and... The one that could do the... Ugh, what was that stupid brand of horse anime monstrosities called?"
Shadow shuddered, gritted his teeth, and spoke. "My little pony." Instandly Ghidora fizzed with rage and grew into a gigantic titan, a silver-clear dome fitting over his head. "RAAAAAAAGGGEEEEE WITH A SIDE OF JUST DESSEERTTSSS" Below, Durahk licked his lips. "Mm, dessert! What is it? ice cream? chocolate cake? pie? maybe a-" And was promptly followed up by an "UGLY" from Dane.
After a bunch of over-the-top brawling and several large slices (of Just Dessert) the MOPS mergerzurd was now in orbit..
Aerixx walked up to the tower, and Ghidora was waiting by the door. The Gukkocopter had been chained to the tower, and Ghidora had hidden the key in the last place... To clean. "And don't miss any spots." He handed him a napkin and cleaner and booted him inside.
Chapter 22 (Petewa)
Bronzejet's tale of woe:
Minecraft, "Bronze's World" 8/16/15 9:32:04.7
Bronzejet had logged onto his world, as he normally did, all day, every day. But today was different from the rest, today was Petewa's birthday, and who knew what horrors were in store. He cautiously ASDW'd his character out of his dirt little hobo-hut, and equipped his diamond sword, preparing for whatever Petewa had done to troll him...he cautiously headed towards his mineshaft, and continued his daily survival routines, mining obsidian, iron, bronze...er...gold...enjoying his peaceful world, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something...oh wait, it was just Derpy, the immortal yellow creeper Petewa had put into the world exactly a year and ninety-three seconds previous. He ignored the Derpy little whatchamadilit, and left his mineshaft, but, before he could get to the opening at the top of the mountain, he fell down a hole. Before he died, he fell through water, and down two blocks after that. He looked around, he was in a romantically lit room, in the center of which was a table. candlelit with a potted rose in the center, and two plates, and two chairs, he worriedly stepped up to the chair closest him, and sat down...the moment he did so, a squid spawned into the seat across from him, and bedrock came up to block any hopes he had of escaping, and this wasn't just any squid, this was Dai Kalamar, the lady squid Petewa had promised would be able to marry Bronze. He logged off of the world as quickly as he could and shut down Minecraft out of fear.
Transformers World Two-thousand five, "Xenovoid RPG Topic" 8/16/15 10:52:39.6
Figuring there was no way Dai could make it into the Transformers fansite, let alone the Xenoverse, Bronze sighed of relief, transformed into his spaceship mode, and flew off. Little did he know, he was being followed by an enemy spaceship, whose appearance was that of a blocky squid. Apon realizing he was being chased, Bronzespaceship flew faster than he ever thought he could, until, due to a crash with some space debris, his second wing was damaged, he crashed to the surface of a nearby planet, transforming in order to ease his fall, considering that his first wing formed his right leg, his second wing formed his left, and his third wing formed the shark fin sticking out of his back, he had to try hobbling to the nearest civilization, which he did.
When he finally got to the capital city of Darkmountia, a city whose name was shared with the planet which is was the capital of, he tried to see if he could reason with their deity. Apon learning the fact that she was a nutjob, he was cast out of the city, and abducted by the squid-like ship, UFO style, and taken straight to the dining hall, where Dai was there, waiting for him.
BZ-Metru, "22nd floor dormitory of Bronzejet Kanohi Kakama" 8/16/15 12:34:56.7
Petewa may've been able to incorporate Dai into both Minecraft, and the Xenoverse, but there was absolutely NO WAY he could EVER bring that...that THING into here. NO WAY! Bronzejet soon learnt he was wrong.
After being chased by Dai for three hours straight, he finally logged off, and as soon as he did, a female Ko-Matoran with a Garai stepped out from inside the squid costume, high-fived Petewa, and he gave her a piggy back ride home.
Milky Way Galaxy, Earth, "Home of the Devils" 8/16/15 15:34:09.8
Petewa logged off of his laptop, proud of a day's worth of Birthday trolling, started whistling "Pink Elephants on Parade", and walked downstairs, gave his sister a piggy-back ride to the kitchen, where they ate the Birthday Cheesecake, and opened gifts. All the while Petewa was planning what to do on Dane's birthday the day afterwards.
Milky Way Galaxy, Earth, "Home of the Devils" 8/16/15 23:59:59.9
Dai slowly crept out from under the bed, put her tentacle to Bronze's sleeping face, caressing it, and said only four words, "Rest well, my love," before darting back under the bed.
Ghidora has written and posted Chapter 2 with the help of T1Shadow.